


Better than Okay

by pintsandguitars



Category: One Direction
Genre: AU, Fluff, Focus Ziall, M/M, larry - Freeform, ziall, ziam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-03
Updated: 2014-02-07
Packaged: 2018-01-07 07:16:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 22,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1117065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pintsandguitars/pseuds/pintsandguitars
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zayn and Niall were the best of friends, but then Niall moved away. </p><p>Seven years later, he's back with an offer to reignite their friendship. The only problem is, Zayn just might want a little more.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, it's kind of a love triangle that I'm going to have fun with...
> 
> PS: You guys don't understand how much I love comments. I reply to pretty much all of them because if someone cares enough to even type out a few words, that means more to me than you will ever know. Thank you and enjoy!! <3

“Do you have to go?” I asked, almost begging.

“I don’t really have a choice, do I?” he answered, half smiling, half shrugging.

“You could stay at my house. My mom likes you better than me anyway.” I offered.

“You know I can’t,” he persisted. “No matter how much I want to, I can’t” I nodded my head, accepting this.

“When do you leave?”

“Two weeks.”

“Then we’ll hang out every single day. Every day. I’ll even help you pack.”

“Thanks.”

I stared up at him, the boy with eyes the colour of the sky.

“Your eyes are the colour of the sky. Did you know that?” I told him. He shook his head no, pursing his lips and swallowing hard. He looked like he was going to cry. I reckoned I had the same expression. But instead, I plastered a big smile on my face and asked him what he wanted to do for the next couple weeks. I was determined to spend our last days together happy and laughing. Niall didn’t look so good crying. He looked the best when he was laughing. His eyes crinkled at the corners and his whole face lit up. God, it was beautiful. But I’d never say that out loud. Not ever.

When the dreaded day finally rolled around, it was raining. It was almost as if the clouds could feel the sadness in my heart and were weeping on my behalf. Groggily, I crossed the street and made my way down to Niall’s house.

I started remembering the day I had met him. I was sat outside the front porch drawing in my sketchbook, when a big delivery van stopped at the house right in front of ours. The door opened and a scrawny man with blonde hair stepped out, following by a woman who also had blonde hair. Behind them, two boys jumped out, one a good foot taller than the other. I guessed they were brothers. The shorter one was carrying a football and the taller one knocked it out of his hand. When the ball rolled onto the street, both of them chased after it.

“Greg! Niall! Be careful!” the blonde woman called, but the two boys had started an impromptu game of football on the street and were too busy to listen. I lost interest watching them and went back to figuring out how to draw the “S” on Superman’s chest. Just as I was drawing the cape, I felt something hit my elbow hard and my pencil draw a line across my sketch. I looked up, ready to yell at whoever had just ruined my drawing, when I saw a boy with golden hair standing in front of me holding a football.

“Sorry ‘bout that!” he said

“You ruined my drawing!” I accused

“Oh, sorry. What were you drawing?” he asked, trying to get a peek at my drawing. He had an Irish accent.

“Superman.” I answered him flatly.

“Man, I love Superman! He’s so cool!” the boy claimed.

“Yeah…” I agreed, not really sure what he wanted.

“I’m Niall,” he introduced, sticking his hand out.

“I’m Zayn,” I answered him, shaking his hand.

“Zayn, wanna play?” he asked, gesturing at the football. I didn’t really like sports that much, but my drawing was ruined and I hadn’t really felt like making another one, so I agreed. Then the next day, he brought over his Superman action figure over to play, and I decided I liked him. That was the summer before grade one. Since then, we had been best friends. Since grade one, we were inseparable. It was now the summer before grade eight, and they were finally being separated.

When I rang the doorbell, Niall’s mum answered and pulled me into a very tight hug. “Oh Zayn! We’re going to miss having you around.” She sniffled. _If you are going to miss me so much, then why you leaving?_ I thought bitterly. It wasn’t fair, but neither was this.

“Niall’s upstairs, doing some last minute packing. I do hope you two stay friends, you’ve been so good to him.”

“I’ll miss you too, Ms. Horan,” I’d admitted. She had always been kind, making sandwiches for us and taking us out for ice cream.

When I got to Niall’s room, he was putting away his football trophies into a box.

“Hey” I said and he looked up. His eyes were puffy and his nose red. He had been crying. I walked over to him and helped him put away his other trophies. After we had finished, we plopped down onto the floor, resting our backs against the wall.

“Malik, don’t turn into some weird loner kid okay?” Niall said, laughing. It was fake though. I could tell because his eyes hadn’t crinkled and his face didn’t light up.

“Can’t promise anything.” I replied, shrugging.

“And stop reading so many books and go outside once in a while” he continued, and I nodded my head even though I knew I wouldn’t.

“Stop being so gullible. People aren’t always what they seem,” I warned him this time. He turned to look at me, his eyes teary.

“And stop crying to damn much! You’re not a six-year old kid.” I told him. He nodded his head, gulping down the tears.

“Niall! Time to go!” his father called from downstairs. We pushed ourselves off the floor and stood up facing each other. I understood that guys usually didn’t do hugs, so I started to walk towards the door. But then again, I forgot Niall wasn’t your usual guy because the next thing I knew, I felt a body slam into me and a pair arms wrap around my shoulder. Breathing in the smell of his shirt, or rather the smell of whichever detergent his mum used, I lamely wrapped my arms around his waist and gave him a tiny squeeze.

After we pulled apart, Niall gave me a small smile. “We’ll stay in touch right?” he asked.

“Of course.”

We didn’t.

\---

“Zayn, I’m worried.” I hear my mum say on the other end on the line. I roll my eyes and pray that this isn’t about me.

“Doniya was out all night yesterday. I don’t know about those new friends of hers.”

“Mum, she’s twenty two! You need to stop sheltering her so much!”

“Zayn, please. Can you just talk to her for me? Make sure she’s staying out of trouble? I know she talks to you.” She begs. I can understand why she’s worried. Doniya hasn’t always been the perfect angel.

“Fine, mum. I’ll talk to her.” I tell her.

“Thanks, love. So, what about you? Anyone special?” she coos and I rolls my eyes yet again.

“No, mum. I already told ya! No guy is doing it for me right now. I really have to go. Love you!” I rush, hanging up before she has the chance to interrogate me more. I don’t want to talk relationships with my mother, even though she had been really understanding about the whole “liking boys” concept.

Coming out had gone quite smoothly for me, and that was something I was grateful for every day. I had told my parents the summer of grade ten, after I was completely sure that I did in fact like guys. In a way more than just friends. I think I’d always known deep inside; when I saw a man and woman kiss in movies and it didn’t feel right. Well, not right to me. I didn’t really have many friends either, none really that close that I needed to come out to them. I wasn’t really good at making friends and after Niall left, I realized all the friends I had until then were only because of him. He told me not to become a loner, but after him, no one else was really interesting. I kept to myself, read books, drew comics, and watched TV. And it was fine. I was fine.

Expect, I did get lonely sometimes. Everyone does, don’t they? Just because I liked being alone, doesn’t mean I liked being lonely.

After coming out, my parents encouraged me to join the LGBT group at school. They told me it would help me come to terms with things and help me deal with it better. I didn’t understand why me liking boys instead of girls had to be such a big deal. In fact, I still don’t understand. But that’s life I guess, and if I wanted to live it as who I am, I’d have to put up with a few homophobic remarks here and a few nasty stares there. And if that meant I could live out in the open, then that was fine with me. So to make them happy, I did. And it turned out to be a damn good decision, too.

I made friends there. Two of them, I became really close to. And I still was. Louis and Harry. Harry and Louis. It’s kind of hard with them, to tell who ends where and who begins where. Met each other the first year of high school, and have been together ever since. But they never made me feel like a third wheel. They even invited me to a couple of what they called their “sexy sleepovers”, although promising to drop the “sexy” for me. It was fun, they were fun, and high school passed by in a blur.

I had a couple boyfriends, if you could call them that. We dated for a couple weeks, and I soon lost interest in them. They were too juvenile, they felt too temporary. Nothing like Harry and Louis. I would never admit it to them, but I envied their relationship. The way Harry could be having the worst day and Louis would immediately cheer him up by whispering sweet-nothings into his ear. The way Harry never missed a single one of Louis’ football games or acting performances. I longed for something like that, searched for it in every fling. But to this day, it still hasn’t come.

As I am unlocking the door to my apartment, I feel a vibration in my pockets. Opening the door, I pull my cellphone out to “Louis” blinking across the screen.

“Fucking twat, where the hell have you been?! You said you’d help me with my Christmas shopping. I called you like ten times this morning!” I shout into the phone. 

“I know, I know! Sorry mate, Harry got me a little…distracted” he says and I can hear Harry laughing in the background.

“Well, Louis, if you could’ve kept it in your pants for about an hour, you’d be here with me enjoying this delicious red velvet cake I snagged from Molly’s Bakery” I tell him.

“No way!” he gasps, “Tell me you saved me some!”

“Nope.”

“Wanker. You know how much I love that cake!”

“I hope that distraction was worth it…”

“Zayn Jawaad Malik, you slimy conniving cu—“

“Louis, I brought it home.”

“What?”

“I brought it home from the bakery. Swing by and we’ll eat it together. Bring Harry too, I can’t handle you by myself.”

“Zayn Jawaad Malik, you sweet wonderful cu—“

“Yeah, yeah. Hurry the fuck up before I finish it.” I say as I hang up. Yeah, Louis might piss me off, and yeah, sometimes he’s too horny for this own good, but he’s still my best friend.

After putting away my groceries and placing the cake on my counter, I walk over to my phone and check for messages. I pick up my mail from the counter and start sorting through them while the messages play on.

There’s one from Louis apologizing for ditching out on me today, and another one from my mum telling me to call her back.

There’s a message from a new number I don’t recognize. A voice says:

“Zayn? Zayn Malik? Hey this is Niall, uhm, Niall Horan.”

And I drop my mail on the floor.

The voice continues:

“I don’t know if you remember me…(soft chuckle). I called your old house and your mom gave me this number. Hopefully I wrote it down right. If you’re not Zayn Malik, then I’m sorry for clogging up your voice mail (I laugh this time.) Anyway, I was back in town, oh fuck I don’t even know if you live in Beckenham anymore (another chuckle). Well, if you do live in Beckenham and want to get together, give me a call okay? My number is +44 20 3123 4788. Cheers mate!”

There’s a click, signalling the end message and an automated voice asks if I want to replay, save, or delete the message. I select “replay” and quickly jot down Niall’s number.

\--

“This is the Niall you always talk about?” Harry asks me. I nod.

I had just finished telling them about the message.

“Okay, then what’s the problem?” Louis calls from across the room as he’s stuffing his face with the red velvet cake. There’s frosting on his nose and he looks like a five year old kid.

“It’s just…” I begin and Harry nods, encouraging me to go on. “It’s just, I don’t know what he’s like now. What if he’s an asshole? He was cool when we were kids but people change...”

“He called you, asking to catch up. He doesn’t seem like an asshole. And even if he is, it doesn’t mean you have to talk to him ever again after that.” Harry consoles.

I sigh. “It’s just…I don’t…ugh okay. What if he’s a homophobe?” Harry contemplates this for a second.

“Well, you don’t have to tell him straight away. And if you get the gist that he is, then again, you don’t have to talk to him after that. Don’t you want to know what he’s like? Catch up?” Harry persists.

I give away a deeper sigh and decide it’s better to just come out with it. “IthinkIwasinlovewithhim.” I rush.

“What? English, please.” Louis says, walking towards the couch where Harry and I are seated.

“I think I was in love with him.” I say slowly, and Louis drops his fork on my carpet.

“Oh.” There is a couple minutes of silence and then Harry speaks up again.

“I thought you said you didn’t know you were gay until you saw _Wedding Crashers_ and wished that in the end John and Jeremy would end up together instead?”

“I don’t know. I guess I always _knew_ , but that was when I actually realized it. And then after I became close friends with you guys, I realized that I didn’t feel the same way about you two as I felt about Niall.”

“Shit.” Louis offers.

“Yeah.” I agree. “I just don’t want to see him again and have all these feelings come back and it be a big mess and just, ugh, you know?”

“I still think you should go see him.” Harry says. I give him a look and he explains further.

“Firstly, you might not even have these feelings anymore. Instead of sitting here and thinking whether or not you love him, loved him, whatever—just go and find out for yourself. And if not for yourself, you guys were friends for a long time. You grew up together. I don’t think it’s fair to him if you don’t go. You owe it to him because of your friendship. And because he called and asked you to hang out.”

That’s what I hated (and loved) about Harry. He made you do the right thing and he made sense about it.

“Fine. _Fine_.” I give in, and Harry and Louis both grin at me at me.

“You should call right now” Louis says, picking up the phone and tossing it to me.

“No. I’ll do it when you leave.”

“I’m sorry but I can’t trust you with that” Louis says, nodding at the phone. “Just do it.”

Harry nods in agreement and I roll my eyes very dramatically at them.

Pulling the piece of paper out of my pocket, I dial the number written on it. It rings, and rings, and rings, and rings. I breathe a quick sigh of relief and hang up. Harry and Louis look expectantly at me and I tell them “He’s not picking up.”

“Try again!” Louis commands.

“What? No. I don’t want to scream desperate!” I argue back.

“You’re such a wanker. One more time, c’mon.” He insists.

Huffing at him, I hit redial. It rings and rings and just as I’m breathing another sigh of relief, a voice on the other end of the line says “Hello?” _Shit._

“Hello?” the voice repeats.

“Hello. Niall Horan?” I ask tentatively.

“Speaking!” The voice cheerily answers back.

“Hey, Niall. It’s me, Zayn. You rang?” There’s a slight pause.

“Yeah, hey mate what’s up?!” he asks

“Nothing really, just hanging about. You?”

“Same. Watching telly.” Awkward pause. “So, wanna go grab a beer sometime?”

I contemplate for a second. If a phone conversation was this awkward, how awkward would the actual meeting me. Oh, what the hell. “Sure. Oh, but I live in London now. Where are you?”

“London too!” he exclaims.

“Okay. Well, there is this bar called Joey’s in Trafalgar Square?”

We arrange a day (Friday) and a time (8:00pm) to meet at the bar, and I hang up the phone.

“So?” Louis asks, raising his eyebrows.

I flick him on the forehead and he reaches up to rub away the pain. “We’re meeting on Friday at Joey’s”.

I look at Harry who had managed to entwine his long, skinny legs with Louis’. “I’m still not sure about this. I mean, it was so awkward on the phone…” I tell him.

“Don’t worry. It’s always awkward on the phone!” Louis jumps in on his behalf. “Let’s go get some food. I’m starving!”

\---

So, it’s Friday. I check my calendar over and over again, hoping that it’s somehow wrong. But it’s not. So, it’s Friday.

Classes tick by slower than usual and the professors seems to be extra boring today. I fall asleep about three times in the back of my “Reading Poetry” class, once accidently falling asleep on the girls shoulder who was sat beside me. She didn’t seem to mind all that much and even offered me a wink. _Sorry, don’t swing that way,_ I think to myself.

When my last class of the day does roll around, it takes an agonizing time to end. The universe is doing is on purpose, I decide. Somehow, I make it through this one without nodding off and five o’clock finally bears its presence.

On my way out of the classroom, I shoot Harry a quick text.

            _Come over for a bit? I need your help. Don’t bring Louis!! - Z_

As I'm getting on the bus, my phone buzzes.

            _‘Course! And I’ll try not to... – H_

Try? What does he mean by try? Ugh.

Harry comes by around six and, thankfully, doesn’t bring Louis with him.

“What’s up?” he says as he walks over to my fridge and looks for something to eat.

“Don’t laugh at me, okay?” I plead. Harry pops his head over the fridge door and raises his eye brows at me.

“I need you help to pick out what to wear.” I say, blushing furiously. I can hear him laughing behind the fridge door. He finally closes it and comes out with a cold chicken leg in his mouth.

“I don’t get why you’re getting so worked up over this, Zayn” he says. Honestly, I don’t either.

“I don’t know! I just am. So, will you help?”

“’Course”

I make him sit on the couch while I try on a bunch of different things. He picks an outfit that I hate, and I tell him that. He throws his hand into the air and says, “Well, you wanted an opinion!”

I sigh and slump down on the couch.

“What’s wrong?” he asks.

“I don’t know. I just want him to think I’m alright. I don’t want him to see me and think, ‘This was the loser I was best friends with for so long?’” I confess.

Harry offers me a pleasant smile as says, “I don’t have to get why this is so important to you, but I can tell it is. Zayn, listen. You’re not a fucking loser. Have you not seen the way girls, and _guys_ , look at you? You got these cheekbones and this jawline and—”

“Harry, I love you and all, but Louis my best friend” I tease. He shakes his head at me and rolls his eyes.

“Don’t worry. Just be yourself. That’s how you guys became friends in the first place right? And if he doesn’t like you, his fucking loss.” And that slightly cheers me up.

“This is why I called you and not Lou. He’d call me a pussy and then eat all my chips.”

“You are a pussy. But that’s okay, those things can take a damn pounding” he winks and we both laugh. I feel a lot better. I decide to wear my black jeans, my _Avengers_ t-shirt and my leather jacket.

“Thanks, bro!” I call out to Harry as he’s leaving and he gives me a little wave. I look at the clock and the red numbers are glaring 7:13. I figure I should leave soon since I have to catch a bus. I don’t want to be late.

 

\---

8:15. That’s the time my cellphone reads. What’s an appropriate length of time a person should wait before deciding they’ve been stood up? Although, I guess this isn’t really a date for me to _be_ stood up. What do you call it when it’s a ‘friends’ sort of thing? I don’t have the answer to either question. I order another beer and wait.

8:25. It’s probably appropriate for me to leave now. I feel disappointment settle into my stomach and a small lump form in my throat. And I feel humiliated. I knew I shouldn’t have come.

As I’m signaling over the bartender to ask for my cheque, I hear my name being called.

I turn around to face a boy with golden hair, blue eyes and a warm, open smile.

“Zayn!” he pants, and he throws his arms around my shoulders. I put my arm around his and immediately let go.

“I’m so sorry mate! I took the wrong bus, fucking buses, and ended up in completely the wrong part of town. I was gonna call but, of fucking course, I’d left my cellphone at home. I’m so glad you waited.” He huffs, offering me an apologetic-cum-thankful grin.

“Sure,” I shrug.

The bartender walks over and Niall orders a Guinness.

“Holy, look at you. You’re all levels of attractive, aren’t you? Look at them cheekbones. You must break a lot of hearts!” he winks. I can feel my cheeks grow dangerously hot and I pray that the low lighting in the bar conceals my embarrassment. I laugh because I don’t really know how to answer to that. The bartender brings over Niall’s beer and as they start talking, I finally get a chance to fully look at him.

He’s lean. Not muscular, but not exactly scrawny like me. He’s shorter than I thought he’d be, probably reaching at most 5’7’’. His hair is still blonde and it’s stood up in a quiff, similar to mine. He doesn’t look that much different, just more grown up. If I was being honest, I’d say he was just as beautiful as the boy I knew back when I was twelve. But I wasn’t being honest so I didn’t say that.

Niall turns back around and slaps his hand on my shoulder. “So, Malik, did you end up as that weird loner kid?” he teases.

“Have you stop crying like a little bitch?” I challenge back. And just like that, we fall back into our old banter, slipping in bits and pieces of new information.

By this third beer, I’ve found out that he’s also back in school, studying sound engineering. I tell him I’m studying English and he tells me that he knew that’s what I’d end up doing. I like it, the way he’s got me figured out. It meant he thought about me. I asked him if he still plays the guitar and he says he does. He was even in a band for some time. By our seventh beer, I don’t think we make much sense, but it doesn’t matter. We end up talking about anything and everything, remembering past memories and old pranks. It’s nice, talking to him. I hadn’t realized how much I missed Niall. I missed talking to him, laughing with him, just being around him. He made life seem so happy.

Turns out, for once, Louis was actually right. This wasn’t awkward at all. 

\--

 

 

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	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the length! I want to update frequently so I'm making them shorter. Hope that's okay. Anyway, enjoy! Kudos/Comments HIGHLY appreciated! <3 -B

“And then, we left live chickens in his car with a note that said ‘sorry for all the pecking about’. We said ‘pecking about’ can you believe it?” Niall asks me rhetorically, howling away as he recites another one of his many adventures.

To be honest, I didn’t even understand half of what he was saying. He was slurring, his eyes half lidded and he would jump from one story to another between sentences. We were way past our tenth beer and should have probably left hours ago. But I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to listen to this drunken man slur on about his stories and giggle like a twelve year old girl. I wanted to see his blue eyes sparkle with mischief as he recounted old adventures. And I wanted to hear his laugh as he told me about his trouble-making friends, because that laugh sent a wonderful tingle down my spine.

“Tell me one of yours!” he says to me. I sit there trying to remember something fun I did, but all I could come up with were things Louis did. No, that can’t be right. I had to have pulled at least one prank, had at least one crazy night. I rack my brain while Niall’s wide blue eyes look up at me expectantly, waiting. _Fuck._

Thank fully, the universe happened to be on my side tonight because just as I was about to open my mouth and tell him, lamely, that I couldn’t remember anything, the bar tender walks over. I could’ve kissed him.

“As much business as you’ve given my bar tonight,” he nods at Niall “we’re closing. Should I call a taxicab? Because I am not letting you drive in this condition.”

“Shit.” I hear myself say. I had planned on taking the bus back, but the busses have probably stopped running by now. Niall told me he’d taken the bus too. And I couldn’t afford a taxi, not all the way to my apartment. _Fuck._

“No, it’s okay, I’ll get a friend to pick us up” I told the bartender. He gave me a quick nod and walked away.

“Niall, where do you live?”

“Huh?”

“What’s your address?”

“124 Raithin Rd.” he answers, dutifully.

“Okay…Wait, I haven’t heard of a Raithin Rd in London”

“That’s cause it’s in Ireland silly!” he slurs back

“Niall, what’s your address in London? Where do you live now?!” I ask, desperately.

He tilts his head and squints his eyes at me, like he’s trying to read something at a far distance. “I don’t know,” he admits. “I can’t fucking remember.” _Great._

I weigh my options. I could keep asking him street names and square names to see if he can recall anything. But that could take hours. I could leave him here. I’m not saying I _would_ , but I _could._ Sighing, I realize that I really only have one option.

“You can stay at my house tonight.” I tell him. He looks at me, his eyes twinkling, and he gives me his biggest grin. I can’t help but smile back.

Groaning, because I know what I’m about to do is something I’ll very much regret in the morning, I pull my phone out and dial Louis’ number. _Let the taunting begin_ , I think.

\---

“I’m very disappointed in you, Zayn Javadd Malik.” Louis says, shaking his head. I reach over and smack him on the head. Niall laughs.

“Hey, newbie! I don’t even know your first name and yet, here I am, hauling your drunk ass back home. You better not laugh at me, or I’ll drop you off right here!” he threatens.

Niall offers him a wide smile and just says, “I’m Niall. Nice to meet you. And thank you for hauling my drunken ass back home, you’re a very kind man. My ass can be quite the wild partier.” Louis rolls his eyes, but smiles nonetheless. Harry, who is riding shotgun, giggles.

Resting his long legs on the dashboard, Harry turns around and asks, “How many beers?”

“Lost count,” I tell him honestly. He smirks and asks Niall the same question. Niall’s answer is “eleventeenth.” I hear Louis snort.

“Why is it taking so long? I feel like I’m going to throw up” I whine

“If you throw up in my car, I’ll make you clean it up with your tongue”, Louis warns.

“That’s making me want to throw up!” Niall says.

“It’s not your car,” Harry points out. It’s not, it’s Harry’s. _Why is Louis driving?_ I think. But all this thinking is giving me a headache.

“Louis’ the speed limits 50,” Harry speaks up again

“Yeah…and?”

“You’re going at 30!”

“So? Bugger off. I don’t want to risk dying a painful death.”

“If you don’t hurry the fuck up, you won’t have to risk it.” Okay, the headache is getting stronger. And the nausea. _I’ll just close my eyes for a bit…_

\---

I see blue in my dreams. Blue and blonde. It’s sort of a blur, really. But I catch it here and there, the blue and the blonde. I also see a smile. It’s really wide, and the teeth are blindingly white. So, now it’s blue, blonde and blinding white. I try to squint, try and make out this blob, but it’s running away. So I run after it. It’s just me and that blob, running. But then it stops, and I catch up. As I reach my hand up to it, I realize it’s a person. _Who?_ I place my hand on their shoulder, and slowly, they’re turning to face me and— _FUCK, IT’S FREEZING._

I jolt awake, not really understanding what’s happening. There’s water in my eyes. There is water on my clothes. There is water on my _bed_. I quickly wipe away at my eyes, getting ready to yell at the initiator of this very _un_ funny joke. But when finally do I open them, the first thing I see is blue. Then blonde. And then blinding white.

“Niall?” He’s laughing, as always. He won’t answer me, he’s too busy clutching his stomach. Now fully awake, I realize there are other people in the room, as well. I look to the other side of my bed and I see Harry, his green eyes twinkling and his charming smile present. Then I look to the person standing next to him and it’s Louis. Holding a bucket. Which I’m 112% sure consisted of ice cold water just seconds before.

I’m fucking _pissed._ “I’m going to kill you,” I say, looking straight into Louis eyes. They go wide and the next thing I know, he’s running. I untangle from the sheets, more than ready to chase him and chuck him out my window. But then I realize I’m soaking wet, and ridiculously cold. And my penis feels non-existent.

I glare at Harry as I walk towards my bathroom and he gives me a half-amused, half apologetic smile. _Oh, Louis is so going to pay for this._

I walk into my kitchen, wearing freshly laundered and absolutely _dry_ clothes. I smell eggs and French toast, but both Harry and Louis are sitting on the couch watching TV. _They’ve probably left some for me_ , I think. I walk over to Louis as quietly as possible and raise my right hand, which I should probably mention is covered in toothpaste, and smack him on the face. “Smack cam,” I yell.

“You fucking tosser!” he screams, and runs into the bathroom. Satisfied, I shrug and plop on to the couch next to Harry. You’d think he’d act a little more hostile towards me since I just smacked his boyfriend on the face with a hand full of toothpaste, but I’m sure he enjoyed it just as much as I did. Because this was us. This was our friendship.

“Eggs and frenchtoast?” I ask him, and he nods in return. “You better have had saved me some”

“Saved?” he questions, not looking away from the TV. _Friends_ was on.

“You woke me up my splashing ice cold water on me, made breakfast using my groceries in my kitchen, and you didn’t have the audacity to save me some food?” This doesn’t make sense. Harry _always_ makes breakfast.

“Zayn, are you still drunk? I haven’t eaten. In fact, I didn’t even cook. Niall’s cooking!” he claims, looking at me like I’m absolutely stupid.

“He stayed?” I ask. _He stayed._

“Yeah, now shut up, Chandler’s about to say about really funny”. But all I can keep thinking is, _he stayed._

I walk over to the kitchen and Harry’s statement proves to be true. There’s Niall, beating eggs like a madman and humming to the tune of “Walking on Sunshine”. I find myself smiling. He looks up and catches me standing there and staring at him like an idiot.

“Zaaaayn! Nice wakeup call?” he jokes, winking. _Who the fuck even winks anymore?_

“Fun night, huh? I really like my beer…” he says and I nod, yawning. I _did not_ get enough sleep. _Fucking, Louis Tomlinson._

“Don’t worry, my Niall à la Frenchtoast will wake you right up!” he claims, noticing my fatigue.

I chuckle, “You do realize that “Niall à la Frenchtoast” means “Niall the Frenchtoast”, right?”

“Oh,” and he scrunches his nose. _Are you fucking kidding me, universe?_

“I’m sure “Niall the Frenchtoast” is hella epic. It’s named after you, after all!” And this time _I_ wink. I don’t think I’ve ever winked in my life. Holy fuck, that line was too damn cheesy. I can feel its grease in the back of my throat.

“You’re a fucking dork,” he says, laughing. “Haven’t changed a bit.”

“And you’re still a damn freak.” The banter starts again and we are joined in the kitchen by Harry first, then Louis. He walks into the kitchen, grabs a knife from the drawer and starts sharpening it. Whilst doing this, he looks over at me with a supposed-to-be-creepy smile, and says, “Zayn Malik, you shouldn’t have done that.” Harry, Niall and I erupt into laughter and Louis looks well-offended.

“Babe, you can’t pull of creepy serial killer look” Harry says, walking over to Louis. “You’re too much of a rainbow unicorn.” He then puts his arms around his boyfriend’s waist, leans in, and, before I can fully register what’s happening and stop them, kisses him fully on the mouth. _Fuck. FUCK_.

I brace myself to see Niall’s reaction. Is he going to look alarmed? Is he going to look disgusted? Is he going to start spouting off about how “ _God hates Fags_?” I feel myself gulping and I steadily turn to face him and –

He’s smiling. He is shaking his head at them, but he’s _smiling._ Good. That’s good. Smiling is always good. I let go of the breath I wasn’t aware I was holding.

When Harry and Louis finally untangle, I see Harry’s expression change from content to horrified as his actions slowly dawn on him. He looks over at me at me with wide eyes, but I offer him a small smile and that seems to calm him down a little.

“Oi, love birds. Zayn and I are going to finish all the breakfast if you two don’t stop canoodling!” says Niall. I see Harry finally smile and I feel the same relief wash over me. He was fine with it. _He was fine with it._

Harry and I both exchanged glances, deciding not the make a big deal out of it. He hadn’t, so we wouldn’t. And why should we? It was a kiss shared between two lovers.

Louis catches us looking at each other and raises his eye brows as if to ask “what’s going on?” But it’s better to leave loud-mouth Louis oblivious in these kind of situations. So, I gesture back “what so-ever do you mean?” and he walks over to the couch with his full plate, not dwelling.

The rest of us follow suit after and it turns out there is a _Friends_ marathon on. Harry refuses to let us watch anything else after this discovery. So we spend the rest of the day in the living room, watching episode after episode, and marvelling at the pure brilliance of the show. All four of us. Me, Harry, Louis, and Niall. Niall, who slipped in so easily into the group that it was almost as if he’d been there all along. But then again, we’d really take in anyone who offered to us food.  

\---

“It’s just like a movie night. Louis is obsessed with romantic comedies for some reason and makes us sit through them with him as he blubbers like a baby. Well, I made that sound a whole lot more appealing, didn’t I?” I ask into my cell phone. Niall chuckles at the other end.

“Sounds like fun. Well, not the romantic comedies part but the crying Louis part could be fun. We could take pictures and then use them to blackmail him!” he suggests. I think that he may just be perfect.

“You evil genius you” I compliment, finding that I am looking forward to this night more than I usually would.

“I’ll use my powers for good, don’t worry. They’ll only be just a little evil for Louis, because that wanker deserves it!”

“Preach it, sista.” Another chuckle. I love making him laugh.

“Maybe we can slip in some superhero movies!” I suggest.

“Maybe? Malik, have you learnt nothing from me? We will _definitely_ slip in some superhero movies.” I smile to myself, feeling giddy. This night was going to be a good one.

“By the way,” I hear Niall say on the other end, “do you mind if I bring a friend over? I told him I’d do something with him tonight and I feel bad just ditching him.” _He was going ditch a friend for me,_ I think giddily. Then I mentally smack myself. Niall is a friend. Just a _friend._

“Yeah, course!” I say.

“Thanks. Later, Malik!”  

“Later, Horan.” And then I hear a click. I remember that I need to pick up some beers for tonight and get off at a bus stop near the liquor store.

\--

“So, what’s on the menu tonight?” I ask Louis, who is busy sorting through his massive collection of romantic comedies.

“Titanic?” he offers, holding up the corresponding DVD.

“We watched that last time!” Harry groans from beside me.

“Letters to Juliet?”

“I’m going to barf on you.” I rebuttal this one.

“Pretty Woman?”

“I think I might blind myself tonight.”

“The Vow?”

And we continue like that, Louis listing of titles from his never-ending collection, and me and Harry vowing to jump out the window if we were forced to sit through them. Finally, we decide on “ _Mama Mia”_ , “ _Crazy, Stupid, Love”,_ and _“Superman”_ , even managing to convince Louis to let us watch _“Superman”_ second if we sit through _“Mama Mia”_ first. I put the beers in the fridge, Louis brings out all the pillows and blankets, and Harry microwaves the popcorn. By the time we are all set up and ready to go, it’s 7:55. At 8:00 exactly, the bell rings.

“Niall’s here!” Louis calls from in front of the TV, already placing the CD into the DVD player, clearly not wanting to waste any time.

“Oh, by the way, Niall asked if he could bring over a friend and I told him it was cool,” I tell them, walking towards to door.

“I’m going to have to cry in front of a total stranger?” Louis complains.

“You don’t _have_ to cry.” Harry points out.

“Yeah, okay, like I have a choice.” Louis retaliates, as if romcoms made you cry by inflicting physical pain. I roll my eyes and chuckle at the persona that is Louis Tomlinson as I turn the doorknob to open the door.

Niall is standing there with a case full of beer and a grin, and to his right is a muscular brunette with eyes the colour of melted chocolate and a smile so sincere it could birth puppies. _He is so cute._

“Hi,” says the boy with the puppy-birthing smile “I’m Liam Payne.”

\--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, the plot thickens. Please don't hate me for this! Thanks for reading. :*


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any comments? Concerns? Feed back is HIGHLY appreciated! Also, let me know if you'd rather the chapters be longer but less frequent or shorter but updated within a few days (as I'm doing so right now). Thanks for reading!

 

“Hi!” I say, grinning back. “I’m Zayn. Welcome to my humble abode!” Niall rolls his eyes at my dorky introduction but Liam chuckles.

“Come on in! We have popcorn, beer and projectile-vomit worthy movies,” Harry calls from behind me, and this comment earns him a swat from Louis. They both shuffle in and Niall heads straight to the fridge while Liam stands awkwardly in the area between the kitchen and the living room

“You can go sit on the couches. We’re watching _Mama Mia_ first. Have you seen it?” I ask, trying to make him feel more comfortable. I wasn’t really one much for conversations but this boy looked too damn sweet.

“Mama what?” he asks.

“ _Mama Mia!_ One of the best musicals written in human history!” Louis calls from one of the couches. “You will be astounded. Blown-away. Flabbergasted, even!”

“Is that a fancy word for being gassy?” Niall asks from the fridge, and Harry and I both slap our foreheads with our palms.

“No. It means amazed.” Liam explains.

“Then why doesn’t he just say amazed?”

“Because he’s a pompous prick,” I offer and Louis chucks the remote at my head.

“Oi!”

“Sorry, slipped” he shrugs, nonchalantly. Niall howls in laughter as he’s making his way toward the couches and I hear Liam chuckle. Harry is looking at Louis like he’s a saint. _Great friends,_ I think as I, too, head towards the TV.

Then there is a kerfuffle. Who sits on the couch and who sits on the floor?

“Dibs for me and Harry!” Louis calls as soon as we realize we have a problem.

“You can’t call dibs for someone else.” Niall argues.

“Tough luck, leprechaun” Louis winks and ruffles his hair.

“Liam, you can sit on the couch” I offer. He’s a guest after all. And if he’s a friend of Niall’s, I kind of want him to like me.

 

And that’s how Niall ends up next me on the floor, sharing one blanket and sitting so close I can hear his heart beating. His knees are pressed against mine, my shoulder resting on his, and our faces so close that if I turn my head, even just slightly, our lips would brush together. A tiny twist and I could finally feel those soft lips on mine. The temptation is unbearable. _But you can’t_ , tugs a tiny but firm voice inside my head. And that voice is right, no matter how much I want to, I just _can’t._

But that doesn’t stop my body from reacting. My palms start to get sweaty and my heart races way too fast for it to be healthy. I can catch whiffs of Niall’s cologne- mixed-with-sweat scent, and when his hand accidently brushes against mine, my head starts to spin. The opening words to “I Have a Dream” starts to play and I sit there with a racing heart, clammy palms, and a spinning head, cursing myself for ever calling him back.

\--

“Wasn’t that beautiful?” Louis sobs as the end credits roll by. Harry is holding him while passing him tissues from a box that now is nearly empty.

“Babe, it’s okay. It ended happily!” Harry says, trying to calm his boyfriend down.

“I know! It’s just so romantic! Why won’t you ever sing songs for me?!” Louis pouts, throwing balled up tissues at Harry.

“You told me I sound like a hyena!”

“That was that one time! And I was lying. You sound so sexy when you sing, it makes me want to rip--”

“LOUIS!” I warn. Niall looks traumatized and Liam’s face is beat red. Sure, they’re cute, and sure, we accept their excessive PDA without much bother, but that doesn’t make it okay for them to discuss their future sexcapades with us.

Louis throws a slightly irrigated look me at as if _I_ was the one trying to seduce my boyfriend in a room full of people and huffs “cockblocker” at me.

“So, Superman!” Niall rushes, trying to avoid the topic. He leaps forward and frantically searches for the DVD so we wouldn’t sit there uncomfortably as Louis undresses Harry with his eyes. The way he’s doing so right now.

“No, wait, I’m hungry!” Louis states, taking a break from eye-fucking his boyfriend.

“Pizza?” I suggest and everyone nods in approval. “Where do you want to order from?”

“Wait, I have an even BETTER idea!” Louis claims, which I’m certain is a very inaccurate statement.

“You mean worse right? An even worse idea?” I tell him flatly.

“Shut up. Stop being such a priss.” I roll my eyes and Louis continues “Let’s make our own pizza!” And I can already tell by the glint in his eyes something is going to go wrong.

An hour and a half later, Harry is cleaning dough off the ceiling, Niall is scrubbing pizza sauce off of the walls and Louis is trying to put out the fire he started in my stove.

“I’m going to grab pizza from that place two blocks over,” I announce, dramatically sighing at the catastrophe that had just taken place in my kitchen. I would yell at Louis for almost burning my house down, but he never listens anyway. And I’m fucking starving.

“I’ll come with you!” Liam says, grabbing his jacket as well. I wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t come back. The reason I don’t have many other friends could be very much blamed on Louis Tomlinson and his unique way of scaring potentials off. I shrug, grab my keys and walk out the door.

\--

“So, how do you know Niall?” Liam asks, trying to strike up a conversation. It’s late November and the weather is starting to get very chilly. His breaths turn into small white clouds as he talks.

“Childhood friends, I guess” I explain, shrugging. “When he moved to Ireland, we lost contact, but when he got back in town, we starting hanging out again. How about you?”

Liam looks confused at this question. “We’re roommates. He didn’t tell you?” he says. No, he hadn’t. Hm.

“He probably just forgot. He’s something, isn’t he?” I say, chuckling. _Something great._

“Not quite as interesting as your friend Louis though…” he responds, laughing and shaking his head.

“I’ve been friends with Louis for more than five years now and I still don’t understand him. He’s kind of like cough syrup. Tastes awful, but it works.” I snort.

“I was thinking he was more like alcohol. Fun, but you wake up with a killer hangover.” Liam kids back.

“With Louis, you need to drink responsibly. But seriously, after you get used to him, he’s pretty alright.” I admit. “Don’t tell him I said that or I will have to kill you.” He promises he won’t and we keep light conversation. He’s easy to talk to and I find myself hoping that we don’t scare him off.

Liam insists on paying for the pizza, “As a thank you for letting me come over. Seriously, thank you.” 

“Sure of course, no problem.” I say, confused as to why it requires such a formal show of gratification. “Although I am not really sure why you’re thanking me for an hour and a half of a twenty-two year old man crying at a musical. And for almost burning off your eyebrows…”

He shrugs. “It’s been a rough couple of months for me and I haven’t had this much fun in a while” Liam admits, his face scrunching up a little.

“What happened?” I ask.

“It’s nothing. I don’t want to bother you with a sob story.” He waves his hands dismissively.

“No, really. If you want to tell me that is.”

“I just got out of a really long relationship, but that wasn’t even the problem. I didn’t realize until after we’d broken up that I’d distanced myself from a lot from my real friends. The friends I did have were actually just her’s, and I didn’t really have anyone to turn to. I didn’t have anywhere to go or anyone to see. I was depressed, alone and in a very bad place. When Niall showed up, he was like my saving grace, you know? But even then, he is only one person. I think this is the first time I’ve left the flat in two months. Well, for something other than class and work.” he finishes.

“Liam, that’s–” I begin to say, but he cuts me off.

“Honestly, it was my own fault” he says, his head hanging low. His eyes glisten from the tears that are threatening to spill over at any moment. “I don’t even know why I just told you that.” I didn’t know either, but I didn’t say that out loud. Liam shakes his head and lets out a short, quipped laugh that’s filled with more heartache than joy. My heart breaks for him.

“Liam,” I say, resting my hand on his shoulder. He looks at me with a tear rolling down his cheek and I offer him a small smile. “You’re welcome here anytime. Really.”

His face breaks into a grin and he nods, gulping. “Thanks, Zayn.”

 

When we get back into the flat, the kitchen looks spotless and I see three bodies hunched over a game of monopoly.

“What happened to _Superman_?” I ask, and all three heads turn to look at me.

“Niall wouldn’t believe me when I told him I was a state-level monopoly player.” Louis explains, getting up off the table. “Pizza!”

I place the two boxes on my counter and prop them open. “That’s because it’s a lie.” I say.

“Whatever. You’re just being a sore loser because you suck at monopoly,” Louis states matter-of-factly.

“Maybe. But also maybe because there are no such things as state-level monopoly players in England.” I argue.

“And how do you know that?”

“Because England doesn’t have states,” Liam pipes, and Harry and Niall burst into laughter. Louis gasps at this comment and gives him a very defensive look. “But I’m sure you’re very good” Liam rushes, trying to salvage the good-nature he has experienced with Louis so far. But with the huff that Louis lets out, that ship has clearly set its sail, which means that Liam can now officially join the group. But like I said before, we take in anyone who offers us food, really.

\---

“Liam likes you,” Niall tells me one day, out of the blue. He’s sitting on the floor of my bedroom, lazily flipping through a copy of _Johann Sebastian Bach: The Learned Musician._ We’d been hanging out together a lot, even Louis taking a surprising but immediate liking to Liam. He doesn’t really like people in general, so it’s quite unprecedented. But Liam was a very down-to-earth and simple kind of lad, and he seemed to be able to put up with Louis’ antics.

“Yeah, I like him too. Cool guy.” I say, off-handedly, trying to pay to attention to whatever Sylvia Plath means by _“A saintly sparrow jargons madrigals”._

“No. He’s, like, _interested_ in you.” This catches my attention and I turn my head to look at him.

“Oh” is apparently all my brain can think of.

“But don’t worry. I told him you weren’t interested guys in that way. I just thought I should let you know so you aren’t caught off guard.” he says, offering me his familiar grin and going back to highlighting the events of Bach’s life. I can feel my heart hammering against my chest and I take a deep breath through my nose. I hadn’t exactly _told_ him, yes, but I thought he’d just _know._ Especially considering that the only friends I had before he came along were an openly-gay-and definitely-not-afraid-to-flaunt-it couple. Or at least I hoped he knew because I hadn’t come out to anyone in a long time and it wasn’t a particularly enthralling process. I guess I’d just kind of hoped he’d put the pieces together, but clearly, that was not happening. And I couldn’t avoid it any longer.

 

“But, I am,” I hear myself say and Niall looks at me with a quizzical expression. I realize it’s been a while since he’s spoken and he’s probably already forgotten about the conversation. “I mean, I am interested in guys. In that way.” I manage to choke out, and I bite the inside of my cheek waiting for Niall’s reaction.

 

“Oh” he says. A few moments pass by. “Why didn’t you say anything before?”

 

I shrug and let out a strained chuckle. “My two best friends are both raging homosexuals. I thought you would figure it out.”

“Yeah, I guess that makes sense” he says. “And I’m pretty sure I’ve caught you checking out Louis’ ass a few times before now that you mention it.” He wiggles his eyebrows at me with a smirk.

 

“That is _not_ true,” I gasp and he chuckles at my reaction.

 

“Hey, no judgement. It’s a very finely crafted bottom,” he admits and that earns a chuckle from me. We both go back to our readings for a bit, but then Niall speaks up again. “So, what about Liam then?”

“What about him?” I question in return just to take the piss out of him. To be honest, I didn’t really want to go out with anyone expect for Niall. He groans and I continue, “Didn’t he have a girlfriend? I didn’t even know he was interested in guys.”

Niall shrugs, “I dunno. Didn’t really go into too much detail. I think that might be one of the reasons him and his girlfriend broke up actually, but I don’t really know. But yeah, he just kind of brought it up so I thought I’d tell ya. So?”

 

“So…” I say, purposely taunting him. He was pushing this, but for whose benefit?

 

“Come on, Zayn! Do I have to spell it out for you?” he whines. “Are. You. Interested. In. Dating. Liam. Payne?” he asks, very slowly and painfully straightforward. I never really thought about Liam like that. Sure, he was a nice guy, but another person was pre-occupying my thoughts at the moment. And these dominating thoughts didn’t really leave room _to_ think about anyone else. And I told Niall exactly that, save the last the part.

 

“Well, if he’s _such_ a _nice guy_ , then why not?” he pushes. His expression is unreadable but his tone is flat and there’s something guarded behind his eyes that I just can’t place. “Is there someone else?”

 

 _You,_ I think. _You, goddammit._ But that’s not fair because to my personal knowledge, Niall was completely and irrevocably heterosexual. Well actually, he hadn’t mentioned otherwise and the general status quo lead me to come up with the aforementioned conclusions. He hadn’t said he _wasn’t_ straight, so as far as I knew, he was. And it’s not like the atmosphere was unfriendly to various sexual orientations. He practically hung out with London’s LGBT community, so judgement wouldn’t have been the issue. So it was strikingly (and a little painfully for me) obvious that he liked girls and only girls.

“No…” I lie.

“Well, then why not?” he repeats. And he was right. _Why the hell not?_ Obviously, nothing was going to ever happen between him and I, and this crush was starting to get a little unhealthy. I would never admit it, but when Niall falls asleep on my sofa sometimes, or when he’s working on his assignment with furrowed brows and his bottom lip caught between his teeth, I decide I could spend hours just watching him. Maybe it _was_ time for me to start seeing people who were actually attracted to me, and stop pining after someone who would never ever return those feelings. And I liked Liam. Admittedly, not like that, but I could learn to like him that. He was fit enough, funny enough. Well actually, he was _really_ fit enough.

“Okay,” I mumble, and Niall eyes bore into me. “Yeah. But tell him I won’t stand for this middle school ‘my friend thinks you’re cute’ shit. Tell him to grow some balls and ask me out himself.” I say, hoping for a chuckle. But he just stares at me with blank eyes, not blinking.

 

I shift under his gaze and give him a confused smile, and he snaps out of his weird trance. “Yeah, okay. I’ll tell him” he says, finally. “Hey, I should really get going, I still need to run a couple errands,” he says, gathering up his books. He usually stays for dinner but I don’t bother thinking too much into it. If something was on Niall’s mind, he’s just say it. He wasn’t the passive-aggressive type.

As he’s leaving, I call out a quick “good bye!” and in return I get a tight lipped smile and a slammed door. _What’s up his arse?_ I think to myself, directing my attention back to my Literature readings. Soon, lost in the words of Sylvia Plath, I find myself wanting to pick up my pen and craft a poem about blue eyes that twinkle with joy. 

# 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, what are people's thoughts? Ziall? Ziam? Any speculations on the ending game? And of course, thanks for reading :)
> 
> Jan 13, 2013 NOTE --> I'm so sorry I haven't been uploading. I have strep throat and it's just not fun so I've just been taking it real slow. But I promise to have one up latest next week. Thanks, love all of yous <333


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the update! Sorry it took so long, I've been super busy (and lazy). Thanks for reading! I love every single one of you. Please give any kind of feedback, it really helps! Enjoy <3

“And you told him ‘okay’?” Harry asks, raising his eyebrows up at me. I shrug and his jade-like eyes narrow, giving me an accusing look.

“What? I can’t date now?” I defend, taken aback by this reaction. Why was he acting so judgemental?

“Zayn, think about it. He just got out of a very messy relationship!” Harry says sternly, like he’s talking to a nonsensical child. I do not take well to being patronized.

“Stop patronizing me, Harry.” I warn, “And anyway, do you _see_ anyone else lining up to date me?”

“Zayn, you are an attractive guy. You just need to get out more. Liam’s just not the right…fit” Harry states.

“I don’t want to get out more. I fine with my books, thanks. I don’t need anything else. And what do you mean not the “right fit”. I like Liam. He’s cute, funny, and actually into me despite my “not getting out”. So why not? Why the hell not?” I argue, raising my voice slightly. Why was he interfering with my love life so intently? This wasn’t like Harry.

“I’m telling you why the hell not! Liam is very broken up about Danielle. He’s very fragile and he doesn’t need to be dating someone like you right now!” Harry shouts back. He rarely ever shouts.

I take a step back from Harry, my eyes wide with horror. “ _Someone like you”._ I’ve never been slapped in the face before but I’m pretty sure this is what it feels like. And I’m infuriated.

“Someone like me? Someone like me? What the fuck is that supposed to mean, Harry? Am I not good enough? Is that what you’re saying?” I don’t shout, but I make sure every word in filled with utter spite. Harry’s eyes widen in shock and a look of realization settles on his face.

“Nonononono!” He sputters, but I don’t want to hear it.

“Whatever, Harry. Just leave. I thought we were friends but apparently I was mistaken.” I say, turning myself away from his pleading eyes.

“No, Zayn. That’s not what I meant!” Harry protests from behind me. I’ve had enough of his excuses. I turn around to face him again.

“Then what?!” I hear myself shout. I’m absolutely livid. First, Niall ignores all my calls and now my so-called best friend is telling me I’m not good enough? “What. Do. You. FUCKING MEAN?”

“I MEAN THAT YOU’RE STILL IN LOVE WITH NIALL, AND HE ISN’T IN LOVE WITH YOU.” Harry shouts back, and my breath hitches. I can hear the blood pounding in my ears and my heart hammering against my chest. I slowly blink, trying to process the words that just passed Harry’s lips. My mouth is dry and I’m trying to remember how to speak again. But the only thing passing through my brain seems to be …

“No one is supposed to know,” I hear the words come out of my mouth before I am fully aware of what I’m saying. My voice was barely a whisper, but Harry had heard them, nonetheless. I know because he starts to walk toward me, face full of concern.

He places right his hand on my shoulder, looking down at my face for any kind of reaction. But I’m too stunned. Too stunned to talk. Too stunned to move. But then he pulls me into his warm chest and I can’t hold it back anymore. The dam breaks and I am crying. No, sobbing. Tears stream down my face staining Harry’s white shirt, but I can’t stop. I bury my face in his shoulder and he rests his chin on my head, wrapping his arms around my small frame. He holds me as I’m shake against him, completely soaking his shoulder with my tears.

“No one is supposed to know,” I tell him again, between sobs

“I know,” he mumbles into my hair.

“He can’t know, Harry. Please.” I plead into his shoulder.

“I know.” He says again. I want to stop crying but I can’t. I can’t because is true. Everything he said. I love Niall and he doesn’t love me back. He never will. And that fills my heart with so much pain that the tears just don’t stop.

\--

“So I was thinking…” Harry wonders aloud. We are both sitting at his dining table, sipping tea out of Christmas mugs. It’s a tradition between us three; me, Harry, and Louis. During our first year of university, when we were students with nothing but empty pockets, the only thing we had drink from were the Christmas mugs Louis’ mum had gifted to us. Anything we drank, we drank from these mugs, whether it be beer or coffee. Even though we had more choices now, it was just something that stuck.

“You were thinking, then? That’s new.” I joke, trying to lighten the atmosphere. When I had finally stopped crying after what felt like hours, Harry had sat me down on a chair and made us some tea. We hadn’t really said anything to each other, unsure of what was left to be said.

A small smile appears on Harry’s lips and he rolls his eyes at me.

I smile back and say “So you were thinking…”, assuring him to go on.

“Maybe it might be a good idea for you start seeing Liam” he says.

My mouth falls open, gaping at him, “Weren’t you _just_ telling me why it wasn’t?”

He shrugs, letting out a deep sigh. He plays with his tea bag for a moment or two before answering, as if he’s picking his words carefully. “Maybe it’s good for you to start thinking of someone other than Niall. Like you said, Liam’s nice, funny, and for some odd reason, he likes you.” Harry teases, winking at me.

“Haha.” I say, flatly. It was a little too soon to joke about this.

“No, Zayn. I’m serious. He likes you. As more than a friend. And Niall doesn’t. It’s really that simple.” His eyes look into mine and I can see that there is no humour behind it. “He’s been through hell and you’re going through something like that right now, so maybe it’ll be good. Sometimes, two broken people can fix each other up.”

“And sometimes it blows up in their face, leaving both sides with fatal injuries,” I remind him.

He looks down into his mug again, like he’ll find answers floating on the surface of his tea. “Sometimes,” he admits. “But I still think you should give it a try.”

“Why?” I ask.

“Because this thing with Niall isn’t going to go anywhere, Zayn.” Harry tells him, bringing the harsh truth to light. “And the more you convince yourself it just _might_ , the more it’s going hurt later on. Look, you’re my best mate and it’s absolute shit seeing you like this. You deserve to be happy too.”

I sigh, running my hands over my face. I press my index fingers against my temple, massaging it slowly. “It just sucks.” I admit.

“I know.”

It really, really just _sucks._

\--

“And why am I coming with you exactly?” Louis whines.

“Because you’re a good mediator. And you make him laugh so…yeah.” I tell him, grabbing onto his arm so he doesn’t try and run away. Again.

“Do you know why he’s mad at you?” he asks me, trying to pry himself free. But there’s no way I’m letting him get away this time, so I tighten my grip.

“OW!” he shouts. Oops, maybe not that tight.

“I have no idea. But he won’t pick up my calls or answer my texts.” I inform him.

“And Harry is no good because…?”

“Because he’s just not, okay? C’mon, help a mate out!” I plead.

“Fine,” he snorts, and yanks his arm out of my grip. But thankfully, he continues walking beside me.

“Zayn Malik, what did you do?” Louis hums, shaking his head disapprovingly and I question my initial decision to bring him. But for whatever reason, Niall wasn’t talking and if there was one thing Louis _could_ do, it was make Niall talk. 

We get to the grey door marked ‘493’ and nod my head towards the door, gesturing Louis to knock. Rolling his eyes and sighing disapprovingly one last time, Louis raises his hand and raps on the door.

“One second!” a voice calls from inside. It has a slight Irish twinge and I breathe a sigh of relief. At least he’s home.

The door opens, but just slightly. A blue eyes peers through, darting around to check who the knocker is. I slide away from the door while Louis stands in front of it, waving and smiling the fakest smile I’ve ever seen. I wonder to myself why I ever thought this was a good idea. The door closes and just as I’m about to signal to Louis to ditch the plan, there is a jingle behind the door and it opens wide, revealing a grinning Niall with wet hair, water down dripping onto his shirt.

“Louis! Hey!” Niall greets, his eyes twinkling with the usual joy.

“Hi…” Louis says, nudging my foot with his. I take a deep breathe a peek out underneath Louis arm, which is resting awkwardly against the door. I think I catch Niall’s smile falter a bit, but it’s back to its genuine form too quickly.

“Hey!” I say, unsure of what else I should say.

“Zayn!” Niall says, acknowledging my presence, and Louis steps out a little to give me some more room. “Come in!” He turns his back to us and heads into the flat. As we shuffle in behind Niall, Louis elbows me in the stomach and points to Niall, giving me a “what the fuck were you talking about he’s completely fine” look. At least, that’s what I assume it means. I shrug at him because I’m not sure what’s going on either.

“Hungry?” Niall calls over his shoulder.

“Starved!” “Nah!” Me and Louis call out and the same time. Niall turns around to give us a quizzical look.

“I’m hungry.” Louis says, confirming with a nod.

“I’m…not.” I respond lamely. But obviously the universe hates me because my stomach decided to grumble at that exact moment. I kick myself mentally while Niall and Louis both chuckle at my indiscretion.

“I have some leftover pizza…” Niall says, walking over to the kitchen. Pulling oven open, he takes out a box of pizza and walks over to me and Louis. We head over to the living room, grabbing a couple pieces of what looks like a meat lover’s pizza.

“So, what brings you lot around?” Niall asks, munching away.

“Well, uhm, you haven’t been answering my calls or my texts so…” I say carefully. I don’t want to come off as clingy.

“Oh yeah, sorry! My phone fell into the toilet and I haven’t had a chance to get a new one. Plus I’m sort of broke so…” he explains. Louis elbows me yet again and I almost spit out my pizza.

“Oh. That’s it, then?” I question, unassured.

“’Course! What else?” he asks, furrowing his eyebrows in wonderment.

“Zayn thought you were pissed at him!” Louis exposes and this earns _him_ an elbow to the rib cage.

Niall chuckles and shakes his head at me, offering me his normal, wide smile. “Are ya mad? Why would I be?”

I huff, not wanting to be humiliated. “Well, what was I _supposed_ to think? You stomped out of my room the other day and wouldn’t return my calls!” I protest. I had good reason to be worried, I’ll have you know.

Niall chuckles at me again, his eyes sparkling. “School’s just been a real pain in the arse lately. Especially with exams and stuff. I was just on edge, probably. Everything’s good!” I feel a sense of relief wash over me and I grin back at Niall, my stomach warming up. 

“Well, since my exams are over, what do you lads say to a movie night?!” Niall asks, and I see Louis perk up.

“Yes! I’ve been dying to see ‘Safe Haven’!” Louis exclaims, which earns a groan from me and Niall.

“No way. Nu-uh.” Niall says, shaking his head firmly. “We are going to watch a loud, crime-filled, action movie. Maybe two.” Louis protests, condemning action movies as bad-plotted, unrealistic garbage.

“Whereas “The Notebook”’ has an enthralling storyline and is perfectly realistic?” I argue.

“That’s right.” Louis confirms and I toss my crust at him. Soon, there are pizza crusts being thrown left and right and Niall’s infectious laughter fills the air. I laugh loudly too, not holding anything back. Because everything was fine. Niall wasn’t mad and I was worrying about nothing.

We were best friends. We always would be. Always.

\--

“I can’t believe you thought I was mad at you,” Niall says, tossing his pillow at me.

“Well, what was I supposed to think?” I argue, tossing it back. We were both lying on Niall’s bed, facing one another.

“You weren’t _supposed_ to think anything. If you think we had a problem, you should’ve just come and ask! And why’d you bring Louis with you?” Niall scrambles to sit up, all of this tumbling out of his mouth as if it’d been held back for too long.

“I-I just thought he’d be a good mediator?” I explain, unsure of where all this is coming from. I prop myself up on my elbows, turning my head to face Niall to give him a very confused look.

“Mediator? Why do _we_ need a mediator, Zayn? It’s us! Just come talk to me, like when we were kids. We didn’t need a mediator then!” Niall says, obviously hurt by my explanation. I shake my head, trying to come up with a reply.

“Niall, we’re not kids anymore!” I tell him. “Things are more complicated!”

Niall moves closer to me and I sit up fully, trying to still wrap my head around this sudden outburst. He brings his hand up to my face, cupping my cheek. I look up at him and his pale blue eyes are wide and glistening. His eyes look into mine, searching for something. For a moment, I think he’s going to kiss me and I can feel my lips tingling in anticipation. _Please,_ I wish to myself.

But it’s left as just a wish when Niall’s hand falls from my face, his eyes following suit. I feel a wave of disappointed crash into me and I feel my throat tighten, but I’m not going to cry in front of Niall, I can’t.

A few moments pass by as Niall looks at his hands and I look at him, trying to read his expression.

“Niall?” I whisper, pulling his attention from his hands and back to me.

“Why, Zayn? Why do things have to be complicated? Why can’t it just be like when we’re kids?” Niall asks me, his eyes a full of sadness and turmoil. He looks like a five old child who’s just found that out his dog is going to be put down. I feel a deep ache in my heart and my stomach churns. I can’t bear to see Niall like this. I can’t bear to see his usual, bright face in such a state of utter dismay. _Because I’m in love with you_ , I think to myself, _and you’re not._ But just like an adult who doesn’t have the heart to tell the five year old child that his dog is going to die, I don’t have the heart to tell him the truth. So I don’t. Instead, I take my hands into his and give him a small smile. My throat is scratchy and I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes, but I take a deep breath and try and compose myself.

“It doesn’t have to be Niall. Not with us. Not ever.” I blatantly lie to him. Never mind that things already are complicated. They always will be. But they don’t have to be for Niall. He doesn’t have to deal with any of this, he shouldn’t. _I’m_ the one who stupidly decided to fall in love with him, so _I’m_ the one who’s going to stand the trail. And if that means that I’m going to have to sit through him reciting all his dates to me, if that means I’m going to have to give him advice on where to take his girlfriend for Valentine’s Day, if that means I’m going to have to smile through the pain so the boy I love doesn’t have to, I’ll do it. And I’ll do it happily.

\--

“So…Liam then?” Louis asks, looking up from a copy of _Archie_ he’d just been flipping through. I raise my eyebrows at him, giving him a ‘get-to-your-point’ look. “Harry told me. You sure that’s a good idea mate?”

I sigh at him and close my limited-edition of the _Ultimate Spider-Man_ that Harry had gifted me for my birthday. “Do you two have to share everything?” I rhetorically ask, irritated at the lack of privacy.

“That’s how a healthy relationship works, Zayn. That and the fact that neither of us are in love with each other’s roommate.” Louis snorts, tossing the copy _Archie_ at my head. I catch it before it leaves me with a headache and a mark on my forehead.

“He told you that, too?” I ask, annoyance dripping from every word. Although, I can’t really say I’m that surprised.

“He didn’t have to tell me, you twat. You look at him like the sun shines out of his fucking arse,” he says. I tilt my head back and groan, my cheeks warming up a tiny bit. I wasn’t that obvious was I? Then again, maybe I was.

“Does Niall know too?” I investigate, unsure of if I actually wanted to know the answer.

Louis shakes his head, and I let out a breath of relief. “That boy wouldn’t know if your lips landed on his and did the marimba together.”

“What?”

“You know, if you guys played tonsil hockey?”

“Louis what the actual fuck?”

“Swapped spit? Wrestled tongues? I’m trying to be a little more metaphorical, nowadays” he (sort of) explains. But these are his antics and I’d given up trying to understand them a long time ago.

“Okay, okay, I get it!” I say, not wanting to hear any more of his “metaphorical” comparisons.

“Anyway, as obvious as you are, he’s just as much if not a _more_ , oblivious,” he concludes, throwing in his two cents. “And I don’t think the Liam thing is a good idea, either.”

“Lou, you know the situation. You _know_ that Niall and I are never going to happen. I need to move on and Liam is…” I stall, trying to think of the right word.

“Really fit?” Louis offers.

“No. Wait, I mean yeah, he’s really fit. But he’s just…comfortable, I guess? And easy. And right now, with the mess my love life is currently in, I really need something like that.” I confess, shrugging my shoulders.

“Zayn, I _get_ it. Trust me, I do. But Liam is Niall’s roommate and one of his really good friends. I know you want to move on but doing so with Liam, it might do more harm than good,” he advises. And he’s right. It’s something I’ve thought about a lot, too.

“But that’s why it may just work,” I defend, and Louis gives me a look that’s full of skepticism. I take a deep breath and start to explain to Louis the decision I’d come up with. “The thing is, I’m going to tell Liam that I like someone else. I’m not going to tell him who, but I’m going to tell him that I need someone to move on with. And it’s the same for him too, Louis. He needs to move on from Danielle. I’m going to tell him that I’m willing to make things work with him, and maybe we could move on together. And I’d tell him to take things slow, too” I finish and exhale loudly, waiting for Louis’ reaction.

He gives me a tight lipped smile and shrugs, “If you think that’ll work, then give it a go. I guess it won’t hurt to try.”

“Exactly!” I exclaim, grinning at him.

“But be careful, Zayn. Things could go very wrong…” he warns, picking up the remote to turn on the television.

“They won’t” I assure him, nodding my head confidently.

Things wouldn’t go wrong. It was a good plan. They couldn’t.

Could they? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what does everyone think of Zayn's "decision"? Will it go wrong?


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took longer to update! Uni and family and you know the deal. Thanks for reading, and let me know what you think! <3
> 
> Kudos, Comments, all HIGHLY appreciated (P.S Un-betad. Will edit when I get the chance!)
> 
> \--b.

We had decided to meet at 5:00pm, in the quaint little tea shop just around the corner from Liam’s apartment.

“You sure about this?” Louis asks, his feet dangling off my bed, his hands buried deep in a packet of crisps he’d nicked from my cupboard.

I sigh at him. “ _Yes_ , Louis. I already told you, I’m going to tell him _everything_ first. And then he can make his decision.”

“ _Everything?”_ I hear Harry’s morbid voice behind me. He saunters into the room in black skinny jeans and a black shirt, and I catch Louis licking his lips. _Ugh._

“Well, everything but the little detail that the boy I have a crush on— _”_

“In love with,” Louis coughs. I throw my hairbrush at his head. “Prick!”

“As I was _saying,_ I just won’t tell him that it’s Niall.” I finish. Louis gives me a shifty look while Harry smiles sympathetically at me.

“Just--It might just be a little harder than that, Zayn. Things get _messy_ when feelings are involved. And I know I told you to go for it, I’m still saying you should, but just be careful, okay?” Harry tells me. His green eyes pierce into mine, and they’re telling the same story. He just doesn’t want anyone to get hurt. That compassionate little bitch.

“I will be, Harry. And I’ll give you a full on play-by-play once I get back, okay? Then you can you tell me exactly what I did wrong so I can fix it later.” I say, trying my best to grin at him. But it’s too forced and it shows because instead of returning the grin, he gives me a tight-lipped smile and a curt nod.

“I don’t know why both of you look like I’m going to a fucking _funeral._ It’s a date, for god sake. Where is the safe-sex talk? Where are the tips?” I shake my head at the two terrible excuse for best mates sitting in front of me.

Louis cracks a smile. “I’d tell you to wear condoms but Liam’s too Liam to have an STD and you’re too manly to be pregnant. Although, I am using _manly_ on a strictly biological sense.” Harry chuckles and the dark cloud looming over the room seems to lift slightly.

“Also, don’t bore your date with Silverstein poems. You might think it makes you look smart, but you just look like a pretentious twat who spends all his time memorizing poems.” Harry adds, and this one has Louis howling away. I even snort a little at this because Silverstein is always my go-to on dates.

“Fuck both of you. I meant something more along the lines of ‘don’t eat garlic for dinner’, but nope. All you two really _do_ is steal my chips and laugh at my expense.” I huff, stomping out of the room. I wasn’t really mad at them, of course.

“Our wittle Zaynie is growing up,” I hear Louis fake-sniffle behind me. Harry snorts.

“Wankers. And turn on off the damn stove this time Louis,” I shout into my house as I grab my keys and open my front door to get out.

“DON’T EAT GARLIC FOR DINNER!” Harry hollers and I slam my door in response.

I find myself questioning why I ever became friends with those two.

\--

I see Liam’s car parked outside the coffee shop. It’s a black Mazda Altima that suits Liam perfectly because it’s a safe, nice looking car. Just like Liam.

Walking into the coffee shop, I wonder how I’ve never stumbled into this one before. It has a very cozy feel to it, consisting of more couches that tables and chairs. There are paintings hanging everywhere, and they’re the kind of paintings that look _expensive_. It gives off a very cultural vibe, the perfect place to write, and I make a mental note in the back of my mind to come here next time I want to get some writing done.

 

Liam is sat on one of the couches already, typing away at his laptop. 

“Hey!” I say, and his brown eyes flicker up at me. A wonderful smile spreads across his face, almost as he had expected not to see me, and he shuts his laptop.

“Zayn! I wasn’t too sure if you’re going to show,” he says. Oh. He grabs a brown briefcase from underneath him and stuff his laptop in there.

“Oh, uhm, well I did, aha.” I cough awkwardly. I was the one who asked him here, why would I not show?

Sensing my hesitation, he quickly surges to explain himself. “No, like, I knew you were the one who set this up. It’s just, you sounded a bit off over the phone, I guess, so I wasn’t sure if you’d, uhm, still come” he stammers, a fair amount of pink covering his cheeks. I shrug, not really sure how to respond. I shrug a lot, it seems. For an English major, I never quite seem to have the words.

“Sit!” he says, and I plop down next to him on the couch. “So…?”

I wasn’t sure where to start. There were so many things I needed to tell him, ask him. My heart starts racing a little bit, not wanting to embarrass the painfully sweet boy sitting in front of me.

Liam looks at me expectantly, his eyes wide and his bottom lip caught between his teeth.

“Uhm...” I start to say, and Liam gives me an encouraging nod. I decide I should at least tell him that I know about his feelings. I take a deep breath, “Niall told me how you feel about, uhm, me.” I look at him waiting for a reaction, but there isn’t any. We just kind of stare at each other, not really knowing who’s supposed to speak next.

“Yeah. I told him knowing he’d tell you,” Liam finally admits. “But don’t worry, he told me you weren’t, like, into guys or whatever. I guess I’d just kind of figured because of Harry and Louis…” I chuckle. “What?”

“I am, Liam.” I say, and his eyebrows knit together, still not grasping what I’m trying to say. “Liam, my two best friends are so flamboyantly gay that even if I wasn’t gay before, I would have eventually become gay by interaction.” This time Liam chuckles. It’s a soft, deep sound and it makes me feel like I’m being wrapped in a big, warm blanket.

“It doesn’t work like that, you know,” he tells me, and I roll my eyes at him. “So this means…?” He leaves the question open-ended, waiting for me to fill in the gaps.

I sigh. This is where it gets more complicated. “Okay, so yes, I am gay.” Liam smiles at this, his eyes lighting up and his back straightening up a little more. I feel something heavy settle on top on my heart. He just looks too expectant, like I’m going to tell him we can hold hand and frolic through flower gardens together. He looks like he want something _real,_ like the shitty romcoms that Louis watches _real_ , and I realize that I just can’t do this. I can’t ask him to wait, wait for me while I sort my feelings out with Niall. It’s not fair to him. Not matter how fit he is, no matter how safe he makes me feel, doing this would be too fucking selfish and I just _can’t._

“Liam, I think you are great. In fact, I think you’re fucking fantastic. But the thing is Liam, the thing _is,_ I’m kind of in love with someone else and—”

“Niall.” He whispers so softly that I don’t even it register at first. But then my mouth snaps shut and I glare at him.

“Sorry?” I asks, trying to make sure I had heard _was_ what I had just heard.

Liam gives me a small smile, his eyes a reflecting a calm sadness. “Niall. The boy you love, it’s Niall, isn’t it?”

I gawk at him. “How did you…” I hear myself gasp, eyes wide and mouth open.

“Zayn, it’s so fucking obvious mate,” he says, smiling so that his the corner of his eyes crinkle. It’s so genuine, this smile, that I was to slam my head against the wall because it makes me feel like complete _shit_.

“Then, why? If you knew I, uhm, about Niall, then why?” I ask, completely thrown off.              

Liam runs his hand through his close-cropped hair, biting his lip again. He looks up at me through his lashes and the expression on his face is of pure discomfort. I fold my arms across my body and wait. He starts with, “It’s just, and I want you to know that I don’t mean this in a taunting or rude way, I just…”

“Liam.” I command.

He sighs deeply and he just looks really tired. “He’s not into guys. So I thought, like with the whole Danielle thing, I mean it’s not really the same but it sort is too, you know? I don’t know if I’ve told you, but the main reason she broke up with me is because she found out I was bisexual. We’re both in similar kind of situations, so I thought we could help each other get out of it?” Liam looks up at him, eyes full of guilt and mouth drawn into a grimace. I feel my heart twist.

“Liam,” I say, scooting closer to him on the couch. I take his large, warm hands into my own and his deep chocolate eyes stare into mine. “Liam, you’re a great guy. So sweet, and not too shabby looking (he scoffs). But right now, I don’t know if I’m in a place to help you. I’m really sorry Liam, but you deserve someone who is fully committed to you. Someone who can return your feelings and make you feel as special as you make me feel. It wouldn’t be fair to make you wait for something that might not even happen, and I just don’t want to keep you from meeting other people.” I smile at him and give his hands a small squeeze.

His eyes glisten, tearing up slightly. “Okay. Okay, I understand, Zayn. But I also want you to know that I wouldn’t mind. You’re worth waiting for and even if you never come around, the time I’d have spent with you would have been enough for me. But I understand.”

I can feel my heart break into a million pieces as I look at this beautiful boy who is filled with so much love. Who is filled with so much love, but who is also filled with so much pain. I feel my vision blur and a tear slowly roll down my cheek. Liam lifts his hands and his thumb slowly brushes against my cheek, wiping it away. I pull him into a hug and hold him, inhaling his smell. He smells like cinnamon and vanilla. We stay there for a long time, holding each other as he gets my shoulders wet and I do the same to his.

 

\--

“So?” Harry chimes from the other end of the phone.

“I couldn’t go through with it, mate.” I tell him. There’s a bit of a hustle bustle on Harry’s end and Harry shouting a _“Louis not now!”_

“Sorry about that.” I grunt at their over-zealous sex life, knowing that my right hand and my penis had gotten a lot more acquainted lately. “You couldn’t go through with what? Telling him about Niall?”

“No. He, uhm, already knew about Niall. Said it was obvious.” Harry snorts a ‘told you so’ and I roll my eyes, even though he can’t exactly see it.

“Then what?” he asks again.

“He just looked so expectant, Harry. Like I’d tell him we could fix each other and everything would work and—I just don’t know if it will. And he deserves someone who can return those feelings because he’s such a good person and it sucks. Why can’t he be a douchebag that I can just fuck and get on with my life?” I whine into my cellphone. I hear Harry sigh.

“What are you going to do now?” he asks.

“I don’t know. Liam likes me, which everyone knows about, including me. But I can’t do anything about that because I love Niall and everyone knows that too, _except_ for Niall. And to top it all _fucking_ off, they’re roommates!” I summarize. This was actually what my life was right now.

“Mate, your life is a soap. Are you sure you don’t have reality TV producers banging on your door right now?” he jokes, and I laugh at my utter misfortune.

“I wish. At least that way I’d get to make money off of my misery.”

\--

They’re at Harry’s and Louis’ place, which is strange because they’re _never_ at Harry’s and Louis’ place. This was decided on a long time ago when I was eating pasta on the dining table and Louis’ had started discussing the time he and Harry had sex on top of it. After I has hastily moved to the sofa, Harry laughed and told me “Oh, there too.” I couldn’t get down my pasta after that and had declared that their house was not considered sanitary enough a place to hang out.

But, apparently something called the “Superbowl” was going on in America today and they were the only ones who got American sports channels. After it had ended (Louis’ team had won and Niall’s team had lost, prompting the brunette to obnoxiously shake his ass in Niall’s face for about five minutes), they ordered pizza and were lounging around in the living room, no one ready to head back to their studying.

“Oh, totally forgot to tell you guys. You remember the bar we first met up at, Zayn?” Niall asks me. Of course, how could I forget? It was the same night I’d spent falling in love with Niall all over again.

“Yeah,” I mumble, too busy chewing on a cheese slice.

“Well, my band is playing there on Friday!” Niall exclaims, a shit-eating grin plastered across his face and his eyes lighting up manically.

“You’re in a band?!” Liam sputters, asking the question on everyone’s mind.

“Yeah. I didn’t say anything because it wasn’t legit yet, but now we have an actual gig!” His voice is filled with so much excitement, I can’t help but return the same shit-eating grin. “You guys are going to come watch, right?”

“’Course!” I shout. I can feel the butterflies fluttering in my stomach. I was going to hear him _sing._

“I don’t know mate, Zayn doesn’t seem too thrilled about it…” Louis jokes.

“Shut up, dick-sucker.” I scoff.

“And what a delicious dick it is,” he claims, winking at Harry.

“I’m actually going to throw up.” Liam says, and Louis points him to the bathroom door. “That way, please.” This gets everyone going and laughter fills the air. I breathe an internal sigh of relief. I had been worried all week that this was going to be awkward, with the Liam thing and everyone _officially_ knowing the Niall thing. But thank fully, everything was fine. Everything was normal. Everything was okay.

“What time are you playing at? And, do we get free beer?” Harry asks.

“At 10. And why would _you_ get free beer? We’re the ones playing!” Niall responds.

“Well, then, do _you_ get free beer?” I ask.

Niall pouts. “No.”

Everyone cracks up again, laughing at Niall’s ill-fate. But they all agree that at least it _was_ a gig, and promise to be there at 10 exactly to support their friend.

Because Niall was my _friend._

Nothing else.

\--

“Shit, babe, you can _sing!_ ” Louis shouts over the loud music now playing in the bar. Niall’s cheeks turn slightly pink and he laughs.

“Thanks, Lou. Didn’t know you were capable of complimenting anyone but Harry!” he shouts back.

“Actually, he’s not even really that capable of complimenting Harry.” Harry adds. This earns him a pout from his boyfriend, whose hair he playfully ruffles in return.

“So, shots?” I offer, and four heads nod in agreement. I slide up from our booth and head over to the bar.

The bartender walks up to me. “Five shots of tequila, please? And keep them coming for about five rounds. And three rounds of beer please.” I order. The plan was to get absolutely pissed tonight. He nods and stars working on it.

I turn around to glance over at our booth. Louis and Harry were draped over each other on side on the booth, even though there was more than enough room for three people. Liam was sitting next to Niall hanging on to his every word. Niall’s mouth was moving inexplicably quickly, making animated gestures with his hands. His face was flushed from the performance, his blonde hair matted with sweat. Man, he could _sing._ I remember listening to him when we were kids, back then when his voice was too high-pitched and just beginning to crack. Even back then, he had sounded great. But _now_ , now his voice had settled into this deep, raspy tone that sounded a bit like rock-singers from the eighties. His band had performed their own rendition of “Dancing in the Dark” by Bruce Springsteen, Niall leading the vocals. Listening to him sing had sent shivers up my spine, and tingles between my legs. He sounded like an angel.

“Here you go.” I hear the bartender call behind me and I turn around to face a tray of tequila shots and five bottles of beer. “You go ahead and get started with those, and let me know when you need another round.”

I reach down to grab my wallet, but the bartender waves his hand. “Don’t worry about it. Your friend there? A good voice on him. Let him know that.” I thank him, heart swelling up with pride. Grabbing the tray, I walk over to the table.

“Niall, I think that bartender there has a little crush on you.” I say, sliding in next to Louis. “On the house, all our drinks. He also said to tell you that you’ve ‘got a good voice on you’”.

Louis cackles beside me and I see Niall’s cheek glow pink yet again, but there is also an added brightness to his eyes. He turns his head to look at the bar, and gives the bartender a wave and a thousand-watt grin. The bartender looks quite pleased, giving him two thumbs up in return.

“So, who’s ready to wake up naked outside Buckingham Palace tomorrow?” Harry asks, and everyone whoops in response.

\--

They are on their fourth shot and second beer when Harry tells Louis he wants to dance. Niall and Liam get up as well, chugging their beers.

“C’mon, Zayn. Don’t be a wanker.” Louis whines. I shake my head no. I _do not_ dance.

“Zayn, c’mon. Celebrate with me. _For_ me.” Niall insists. His pale blue eyes look into mine, pleading. “Zayn.” I watch his pink lips form my name slowly, and I find myself nodding. His face splits into a grin and he grabs my hand, pulling me up. Only after I get up do I realize how drunk I really am.

My lips are numb and my head is spinning. Niall is holding my hand and it feels like my entire body is on fire.

“It’s not fair,” I hear myself shout to Niall.

“What’s not fair?” he asks.

“You!” I say, and I run over to Louis, Harry and Liam who are already on the dance floor. The alcohol’s affects are slowly dawning on me, and I feel myself _actually_ dancing. Niall falls in beside me, bumping my shoulder with his and smirking at me. Everything is a blur of loud music, the burning sensation on the back of my throat, and a whole of _Niall._  

\--

“Shhh!” Niall whispers, giggling. “You’ll wake the neighbours and get us in trouble.”

I fumble with my keys, trying to find the one that fits into my lock. But this is a lot harder when all the keys look the same and the world is spinning away.

“You’ve already tried that one!” he says, grabbing the bundle from my hand. “Here let me give a go.”

I lean into him, unable to stand up by myself. He holds his hands out to steady me, grabbing me around the waist. I bury my face in his shoulder, inhaling his scent.

“You smell like cologne and sunshine.” I mumble into his shoulder. I hear him giggle, and then a click.

“You opened it! My hero!” I shout, attempting to stand upright again. He shushes me again, laughing way too loudly himself. We finally manage to stumble through the door, closing it behind us.

I look around and realize it’s just me and him. “Wait, where are the other three?” I ask him.

“Uhm…” he narrows his eyes trying to remember. I vaguely remember the three getting into a separate cab, Louis holding up the plastered Liam who was surprisingly light weight.

“They took a different cab.” I tell him, hoping that was what happened.

“Oh yeah. Oh my god, Liam was _so_ drunk.” Niall snorts.

“Who knew he had it in him?” I say, walking towards the couch. My limbs felt very heavy and I just wanted my head to stop spinning.

“Yeah, he started drinking just recently, actually. Something about his kidney.” Niall tells me, dragging himself toward the couch as well. He falls down beside me, and rests his head on my shoulder.

 “Niall, you sing like an angel.” I muse, bringing my hand up to stroke his hair.

He lifts his head up and looks straight into my eyes. My head stops spinning.

“You look like an angel, Zayn.” Niall whispers softly, blinking slowly. He reaches up to stoke along my jaw line, and his touch sends tingles throughout my body. I can feel my breathing slowing down. I watch his face as he traces my jaw line first, then my cheek bones.

“Your cheekbones could cut diamonds, did you know?” He tells me. I don’t say anything, terrified that my words will break this. Whatever this is.

Next, he goes around my eyes and down my nose. “Your lashes would sweep chimneys, and your eyes. Your eyes make me feel like everything is the world is going to be alright, Zayn. You make me feel like I’m going to be alright.” I blink, my heart hammering against my chest as a vigorous attempt to break out of its cage.

His finger starts tracing my lips, his eyes staring hungrily at it. “It’s not _fair_ that your lips look like that and—and.” But he doesn’t finish. Because the next I know, his hand is snaked behind my head and his lips are crashing into mine. My insides ignite, sending fiery passion to every part of my body. 

It’s rough at first, like a dam had just broke and the water is angrily rushing through it. Like it wants to make a point, wants to start an argument. But as I respond, kissing him back and cupping his cheek with my hand, it become gentle. His lips move in a rhythm with mine, almost synchronized. I swipe my tongue against his bottom lip and he catches it with his own. It reopens the dam, both of us too hot and bothered stay gentle anymore. Our mouths open, granting each other access to explore and learn each other’s tastes.

I card my hands through his hair, tugging gently. He runs his up and down my back, as if wanting to touch every part of me. I wrap my hands around his waist pull him on to my lap, and he responds by straddling my waist. His lips move of my mouth and begin working away at my neck, sucking gently with his tongue flicking in and out. He reaches a sensitive spot where my collar bone meets my neck, and I moan “Niall.”

Then suddenly, his mouth stops moving. He’s off of my lap in less than a second, staring at me with wild eyes and bruised lips.

“Niall?” I croak, not exactly sure what just happened. Had I done something wrong?

“I have to go.” he says curtly, turning around sharply and heading to the door.

The door slams on his way out and I sit up, all traces of intoxication gone from my system. I can hear the blood pounding in my ears, and my lips feel raw and swollen. I feel a lump forming in my throat and hot tears stinging my eyes.

I crawl into bed at 3am, thinking of pale blue eyes and golden hair, and cry myself to sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well? WELL? Thoughts, speculations, criticisms? Anything really, comments are actually my favourite thing EVER. Love all of you! <3


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I was a bit inspired to write. And I kind of had time in my hands (well not really, but I would much rather do this than study for Calculus), so it means a sort-of double update. Also, un-betad but I'll get around to it eventually.
> 
> Kudos, Comments, ALWAYS HIGHLY APPRECIATED!! <3
> 
> \--B
> 
> ALSO, I have pretty much all of it planned out, so Chapter 8 may be the last chapter (v likely). Thanks for putting up with my sparring updates :* :*

Someone is hammering inside my head, I'm sure of it. My mouth tastes awful, my throat is too dry and I promise myself I am never going to drink again.  
  
"What happened last night?" Harry's voice is groggy, proving that he'd just woken up too.  
  
 _“Niall kissed me”_ , I want to say. “ _Niall Horan kissed me!”_ I want to shout. But then I notice my wet pillow, and the entire night comes rushing back.

Niall had kissed me, Niall had touched me, and then Niall had run away. I feel a strong surge of nausea pass over me, and my stomach twists.  
  
"Nothing." I croak. I wasn’t sure if telling Harry the truth was a good idea. At least not until I talk to Niall first.  
  
"Liam was pissed drunk!" Harry hiccups, laughing. I try to chuckle along, but it’s so dull that I grimace at the awful sound comes out as.  
  
"Zayn? Everything’s alright, yeah?" Harry inquires, his voice full of concern. I didn't know how to answer him because, truthfully, _I_ didn’t even know.

  
"'Course. Just fucking hungover. I don't know why I let you twats talk me into drinking so much," I lie.  
  
"Oh, please. We weren't forcing anything down your throat! Yell at Niall if you want to, he was the one egging on the beer chugs!" My jaw clenches at Niall's name.  
  
"Harry, I'm gonna go shower. I'll see you later!" I cough into the phone, worried that Harry might see right through me. He usually does.  
  
"Uhm, okay. Bye," he says, clearly confused by my reaction.  
  
After hanging up, I do end up dragging myself into the shower in an attempt to clear my head.  
  
An hour later, as the water runs completely cold and my fingertips looks like prunes, my head is anything but clear.

\--

“It’s unhealthy how much time we spend with each other,” Louis states, his head stuck inside one of my cupboards.

“What’s unhealthy is how much food you nick from me. I am literally supporting four grown adults!” I whine. Somehow, we had ended up in my flat. Again.

“Shut up, Zayn. When was the last time you bought your own groceries?” Harry asks. I try to remember and he gives me a pointed look when I can’t recall it.

“Whatever. You guys might as well move in with me with the amount of time you spend here. Does your kitchen even have an oven?” I challenge back.

“Sure, as long as you don’t mind eating your breakfast with a face full of my ass.” Louis jokes, although I’m not really sure if that he _was_ kidding. The slight pink suddenly surfacing on Harry’s cheeks tell me that he probably wasn’t.

“Where the fuck are Liam and Niall? Harry, ring ‘em, will ya love?” Louis coos and Harry obediently takes out his cell phone. I feel the nausea from this morning returning.

Niall was coming. He was going to be here. Niall was coming, he was going to be here, and I was going to have to face him.

“Zayn, you okay?” Harry asks, noticing the look of utter discomfort in my face.

Something is not right. The nausea is too much, my stomach is churning, and—

I empty all the contents of my breakfast this morning on to my kitchen floor.

“Maaate,” Louis complains, as he runs to the closet to grab a mop. Harry quickly pushes a glass of water in front of my face and I take large, greedy gulps. Then, they guide me over to the couch, lie me down and shove a trash bin under my chin. I look over at them and the two are helping clean up the mess I just disgustingly made, and I can’t help but choke up a little.

“I love you guys.” I murmur as my eyes droop and I am drifting between my conscious and subconscious state.

“Now _I’m_ gonna puke,” I hear Louis say, and Harry laughs somewhere in the distance. I fall asleep thinking about the good friends I have.

\--

“Zayn? Zayn, wake up. You gotta eat something.” I hear a soft voice calling. But I don’t want to get up. It’s too warm under here, too safe. Who knows what chaos is going out there.

“Zayn?” the voice says again. I slowly lift my lids, feeling too groggy to answer. A pair of pale blue eyes are staring back at me. _Niall._

My eyes shoot awake too quickly, the bright sunshine pouring through my windows almost blinding me. “Hey!” I croak.

“How you feeling, buddy?” he asks me, his soft hands stroking my hair gently. I flash back to yesterday when they were tracing my jawline, my cheekbones, my _lips._ I lift myself slowly to a sitting position when I realize my head is pounding like no tomorrow. I let out a groan.

“This boy can’t hold his liquor for shit,” I hear Louis say as he comes in to my bedroom. “Here.” He’s carrying two white pills and a glass of orange juice.

 “Shut up.” I snap, not in the mood for Louis’ banter at the moment. But I do gratefully accept the pills and the orange juice. Harry and Liam walk in next, both carrying a pitiful expression.

“I’m not dying.” I tell them flatly, and Niall cracks up.

“If only,” Louis sighs and _finally_ Harry and Liam crack a smile.

“Never again!” Liam promises, padding over to sit on the edge of my bed. Everyone agrees in unison, even though we all know it’s a blatant lie.

We start talking about last night and I am told about how I attempted to outdrink Niall (“Zayn, I’m fucking _Irish”)_ and that was probably why I ended up in such a state. In return, I tried to argue that Liam was wasted as well (“But Liam!”), and that ended with Harry yelling at Liam to take better care of his new kidney while Niall whispered “yolo” in his ear. And everyone was laughing, and everything was good.

But it really wasn’t. Because what I really needed to do was talk to Niall. Alone.

After a couple hours of hanging out in my room, Louis’ stomach (thankfully) grumbles and he _begs_ Liam to make them his special lasagne for dinner. Liam being Liam agrees and everyone starts to head out to the kitchen.

“Niall,” I call just as he’s getting up to leave. He turns around and smiles at me. “Can you stay? I wanted to talk to you about something.”

“’Course. What’s up? You need anything?” he asks, sitting back down. I search his face for something, _anything_ , but all I get is his usual grin that he carries even after he’s stepped in dog shit.

“No. It’s about yesterday.” I say, waiting for him to catch on.

“Fuck, man. Fun night. I don’t remember shit!” he tells me, and I feel my face settling into a frown.

“You don’t remember anything? Like, _anything_?” he shakes his head no, his mouth set into a straight line.

“Did I do something really stupid?!” he asks, suddenly. I feel sharp pang in my chest like I’d been stabbed. _Stupid. You stupidly kissed me. It was stupid thing to do. Kissing me was stupid._

“No. Uhm, I think you threw up in the cab and the driver was threatening to sue us.” I cough. At least it wasn’t a lie.

“Oh shit. Well, he didn’t get our names, did he?” he asks me, biting his lip in concern. I shake my head no. “ _Phew_! Well, I better go help in the kitchen or Louis won’t let me eat. You stay here and sleep a bit more, we’ll let you know when dinner’s ready,” he says, smiling.

“Okay,” I try to smile back, but it’s too tight lipped. I can feel the familiar lump in my throat again. Since when did I start crying so fucking much? _Ever since you started falling in love like a fucking idiot,_ a tiny voice in my head says.

He had kissed me and he didn’t even remember. The moment I’d been waiting for since I’d figured out what love meant had finally happened, and he didn’t even _remember_ it.

And then if I did remind him? What would happen then? He’d run away after he kissed me. Would he run away, again?

He was drunk. He was too bloody drunk and it didn’t even _mean_ enough to him to remember. I didn’t _mean_ as much as it did to me. It didn’t tear him apart.

 _He means more to you than you mean to him_ , the tiny voice speaks up again. And it was true. And it hurt.

So, I decide.

I rip the blankets of off me and I stomp purposely into the kitchen.

“Zayn…?” I hear Louis start to say, but I bring up a hand and he falls silent.

There he is, standing there holding a cheese grater, his mouth formed into a small “O” and his eyes wide with question.

I stalk over to his, slap the grater out of his hand, grab the sides of his face and press our lips together. Louis gasps.

It’s forceful, it’s rushed and it’s too sloppily, but he kisses me back with just as much gusto.

I pull back and find myself staring into deep, chocolate coloured eyes. He smiles at me and pulls me into a warm hug.

It’s safe, it’s easy, it’s Liam.

\--

We go on dates. Many dates. And they are all wonderful.

Liam takes me to the zoo, we go to the movies, he takes me out to dinner, and we even go dancing sometimes. There are stares and scoffs and quite a bit of “fags!”, but Liam holds my hand nonetheless. He kisses me anyway.

He makes me laugh. We get along. We find out we’re both dorks.

Around the sixth date, we have sex. It’s in my apartment, it’s hot, and I like it very much. So, we do it again.

Around the ninth date, he asks me to be his boyfriend. I tell him I’ll have to think about it. I talk to Harry and Louis, and we all decide it’s been an appropriate amount of time. On our tenth date, I tell him yes, and he gives me a blow job in the restaurant’s loo. He’s nice, it’s nice, and I don’t cry as much anymore.

Liam makes me feel okay.

But then sometimes, I catch myself staring too longingly at Niall when he comes around to study. When he goofs around with my phone and takes pictures of himself making funny faces, I save them all in a file on my computer. And once in a while, when Liam is going down on me, I can’t stop myself from picturing pale blue eyes and golden hair, and have to bite down on the inside of my hand to stop from calling out his name.

But I don’t cry as much.

It’s been three months. I spend the night at Liam’s sometimes, sleeping on his bed. If move myself close enough to the wall and everything is still, I can hear Niall snoring lightly through the wall. I close my eyes and fall asleep to this sound.

It doesn’t happen right away, but it does happen. Harry notices.

“Zayn? You there?” he snaps his fingers in front my face. We were all gathered in Niall and Liam’s apartment, sitting in their living room. Niall was telling a story about one of his classmates. I had stopped listening a while ago, too preoccupied with trying to count the freckles on his nose.

“What? I’m trying to listen!” I snap at him, slapping his fingers away. He raises his eyes at me and I glare at him.

“Never mind,” he says dismissively, and I want to smack him for making to lose count. I was at thirty-one, I think.

As we are leaving their building that night, Harry tells Louis to bring the car around. This earns him a “I’m not your fucking driver!” from Louis, but Harry manages to convince him, promising to return the favour with some other ones. I scrunch my nose at them.

“So…” Harry trails, looking at me.

“So…?” I repeat, very confused at this point.

“This thing with Liam, it’s real right?” Harry asks.

“It’s been going on for three months, Harry” I scoff.

“So then you’re _completely_ over Niall, right?” he presses.

“Yup.” I say a little too quickly, and the “p” pops way too loud.

“Zayn,” he looks at me. I know all too well that this look means “don’t do something stupid.”

“What, Harry?” I glare back.

“Just, make sure you don’t hurt anyone, okay?” he tells me, and I can’t meet his piercing green eyes. Because if I do, I know this will have to stop. And I am too selfish to let this stop.

I nod, and by this time, Louis has already pulled around with the car.

Harry doesn’t bring it up again and neither do I.

\--

For our four month anniversary, Liam decides to throw a very small party. The guests include me, Louis, Harry and Niall. When he tells me, I raise my eyebrows questionably at him.

“I know we’re meant to celebrate anniversaries _alone_ , but the way I see it, they’re kind of the reason we have an anniversary to begin with, so I thought it may be a good idea.”

I kiss him and tell him it’s a great idea, and he beams at me.

At 8:00 that Friday, the bell rings. “The Guests are here, Liam.” I holler as I open the door and find Harry, Louis and Niall all giving me an appalled look.

“Guests? How dare you?!” Louis spits, but winks and saunters in nonetheless.

“Leeyuum!” Niall shouts. He takes in a deep sniff of the delicious aroma surrounding him. “That smells delicious!”

Liam comes out of the kitchen, wiping his hands on his apron, and grins at everyone. “Welcome, honoured guests!”

“Is the food ready, yet?” Louis groans, and Harry chucks a shoe at him.

“Manners!” he warns Louis, and Louis rolls his eyes.

“Actually, yes.” Liam tells them, and they all climb on top of each other to get to the kitchen first.

“Sunday Roast and Yorkshire!” Louis shrieks, his eyes lighting up. “Liam Payne, I could kiss you!”

They all sit down, groaning and moaning after they have tasted the food. They bicker, banter, and chat like they usually do. Then, around desert (“Trifle! Liam you’re an angel!”), Niall clears his throat and everyone around the table turns to stare at him.

“I, uhm, I have an announcement to make” he says. I nudge Liam as if to ask if he knows what this might be about and he shrugs back, unaware. “I’m got into this really awesome exchange/internship program my uni offers. I’m going to Los Angles for a year!”

The glass I’m holding slips from my hand and shatters on the floor.

“Shit!” I squeak.

“Don’t worry about it, babe. I’ll clean it up.” Liam says, getting out of his seat to grab a broom stick.

“Los Angles like U.S.A?” Harry clarifies, and Niall nods manically at him.

“When?” I cough. I don’t trust myself to say much else. I can feel my throat tightening.

“I leave next Friday” he tells us. Next Friday.

“And you tell us _now?_ That’s in a fucking week, Niall!” I bellow, surprising everyone at the table. Niall’s eyes blow wide and he reaches out to grab my arm.

“Don’t.” I snap, and he jerks his hand back. I push myself off of the table and step on the glass shards. They slice my feet and I feel the sting as a few lodge themselves inside my skin. But I don’t even _care._ I stomp right through, walk to my room and slam the door shut.

It’s about five minutes until there is a knock on my door.

“Go away, Liam. I don’t want to talk right now.” I whine.

The door creaks open and a blonde head peeks inside. “It’s me. Can I come in? I come bearing, uhm, well not gifts but they might make you feel better.” He’s holding a bottle of rubbing alcohol, some cotton and tweezers.

I sigh. “Okay.” My feet were bleeding now and they _hurt_. Niall pulls my feet up and starts to pull some glass out of the bottom on my feet. I gasp at the pain.

“You fucking igit. _Why_ would you walk through glass? I mean, I get the whole ‘trying to be dramatic’ thing, but still” he rolls his blue eyes at me. I stare at him, his eyes furrowed in frustration as he pulling the shards out carefully.

“You’re leaving me again, Niall.” I whisper, and his hands stop. His eyes slowly lift up to meet mine and I see them glistening.

“Zayn, I—” he starts to say, but I shake my head. I can feel the tears welling up, threatening to spill over.

“No, Niall. The first time, I _get_ it. You had to leave. But why now? Everything is fine here, isn’t it? You have school, you have us, so why?” I demand. It’s not fair. This can’t be happening, not again.

“Zayn, it’s not like that. It’s a great opportunity and I—” he tries again, but I need to say it. He needs to _know_.

“Do you even understand how hard it was for me the first time you left? I wouldn’t leave my room for days. When I went to school, I barely talked to anyone. You left and I felt like a part of me left with you!” I yell. I can’t stop the tears anymore and they fall over my cheeks and down to my lips. I brush them away angrily.

Niall’s eyes are wide, and he stares at me like I’m something fragile he’s afraid to drop. “I felt like I left a part of me with you, too” he whispers softly, and my mouth snaps shut.

“Then, why? Why are you leaving now, Ni?” I ask him, my eyes pleading for an answer.

He smiles softly at me and takes my hands into his own. His pale blue eyes scan my face slowly, as if he’s trying to memorize it. “Because I’m in love with you Zayn. And you’re in love with Liam.” 

\--

 

Follow me on [Tumblr](http://fckziallfck.tumblr.com)! <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So? Whacha think? Now? Huh? Thanks for reading.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things happen. Don't hate me. 
> 
> **NOTE: Un-beta'd. I'll get around to it eventually.

My breath hitches. “What?” I beg him to repeat it.

He sighs, his eyes filled with a calm sort of sadness. Pressing his lips together, I can see him trying to gulp away the tears. “I’m in love with you.”

My head spins. A million thoughts race through my mind, not one of them clear enough to transpire into speech. “When?” I sputter. There’s a shakiness to it, and it comes out in two syllables.

He shrugs, his eyes avoiding mine. “I can’t remember a time I haven’t.” My nerves are igneous, even the tips of my toes alight with feeling.

“The kiss.” I screech, trying to speak through the chaos going on in my head. “You said you didn’t remember.”

“I did,” he admits, looking down at his hands. “I remember.”

“You remember.” I repeat. He lifts his head somberly, daring to meet my eyes again.

He blinks, just once. “I remember.”

My lips are on kiss. My lips are on his because he _remembers._ He remembers and he _loves_ me. He’s hesitant, kissing me back for only a few seconds.

After we break apart, his cheeks are flushed are his eyes look a little more lively. “Thanks, Zayn. But don’t worry. I’m okay.”

_Thanks?_

Then it dawns on me, what he had said. “ _And you’re in love with Liam.”_ He thinks I’m in love with Liam.

“I’m not—I’m not in love with Liam, Niall.” I say, slowly. His eyes go wide in surprise and in brows crease in confusion.

“But—”

“You said you didn’t remember, Niall. You said didn’t remember our kiss when it meant _everything_ to me.”

“You kissed Liam the next morning,” he argues, shaking his head.

“Because you hurt me. You hurt me and Liam made it hurt less.”

“Oh,” he says. He’s frowning, and I can almost see the gears in his head trying to put everything in place.

“Why did you say you didn’t remember?” I ask.

“Because I--I knew Liam liked you. And I knew you two went on a date. It felt like—I felt like I was getting in the way. Then you kissed Liam and I thought what I did was right.”

“It wasn’t.”

“What?”

“It wasn’t right, Niall.” We both fall silent. He still hasn’t asked and I still haven’t told him. Minutes tick by and I can feel my heart racing.

“It’s always been you, Niall.” I finally say. His face is unreadable. “I’ve always been in love with you.”

As those words leave my lips, a wave of serenity washes over me. The heavy rock that had settled on top of my heart, the rock that I had carried with me for seven years, was _finally_ gone. I felt so light I could fly.

Realization dawns on Niall’s face. The gears finally settle and his face relaxes. A slow smile spreads across his face and his pale blue eyes light up.

Then, he’s the one kissing me. It’s rushed, it’s slow, its rough, it’s soft. It’s everything that either one of us has ever wanted to say to the other. And now, everything been said.

We break apart, panting, and I rest my forehead against his.

“I’ve waited—” he starts to say.

“Too. Fucking. Long.” I finish for him. We both chuckle. Then kiss again. Then chuckle while kissing.

And it’s even better than I thought it would be.

With our heads up in the clouds, we start telling each other the truth. I tell him about the saved pictures on my laptop, and he tells me about the recording of my laugh saved on his phone. I tell him about the time I counted the freckles on his nose (forty-two), and he tells me about cutting out my writing pieces from the school’s magazine and keeping them all in his drawer. We’re living in a wonderful world, a world where there is no one but the two of us, and nothing but our love.

And then this world shatters to pieces when there is a knock on the door and a “Did you guys kiss and make up?” It’s Liam. Liam with his soft voice and chocolate coloured eyes. Liam with his sweet smile and golden heart.

As the door slowly creaks open, we jump apart.

“Hey guys! Is everything good?” he asks.

“Yep!” Niall squeaks too quickly. Liam lifts his eyebrows at him, and then looks to me. I nod my head manically and he gives me the same quizzical expression.

“Okay. You guys are weird. We’re putting on a movie, so get your asses back outside!” he says then closes the door expecting us to follow.

When he’s gone, Niall looks at me, his face completely drained of the joy that had been there just seconds before.

“We can’t do this,” he says. My heart collapses.

“Why?” I sputter. It will hurt him, okay, but it’s not like he’s in—

“Because he’s in love with you. Madly, deeply, completely,” he tells me.

I shake my head. “No. No, he’s not. He hasn’t said anything thing to me, he’s not.” I repeat, desperately. This can’t be happening. Not when everything is _finally_ working out.

Niall rubs his face with his hands. “He told me last week. Said he was going to say it front of everyone. Like a declaration.”

“And that’s why you applied for the exchange?” it comes out more like a statement than a question. Now it made sense. The dinner party, Niall’s announcement, everything.

“I couldn’t do it, Zayn. See you two together. It hurt too much” he confesses.

“Niall.”

“Zayn, I fucked up. I fucked up bad by not letting you know how I feel. He’s my best mate. I can’t do this to him.”

I blink, trying to understand what’s happening. My brain’s in overdrive, fighting to find a way around this. But there just _isn’t_. I can’t hurt Liam.

“I fucked up too. And you’re right, he doesn’t deserve this. But it wouldn’t be fair for me to keep seeing him. _I_ don’t love him, Niall.”

“No. You can’t break up with him, Zayn. You didn’t see him right after Danielle left. It’ll destroy him.”

“But, I don’t love him.” I repeat.

“You can learn to. It’s Liam, it won’t be that hard,” he smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes.

“I’m still in love with you, Niall” I tell him.

“I’m still in love with you, Zayn” he tells me.

If only we’d told each other sooner.

\--

When the dreaded day finally rolls around, it’s raining. Although, it really wasn’t much of a surprise for England, I felt better knowing no one was going to have a bright day. Groggily, I walk up the stairs of Liam’s and Niall’s building.  Harry and Louis shuffle up not far behind me.

I knock, but the door is already ajar. Behind the door, I find Niall patting Liam on the back and saying, “It’s only a year, Li. And it’s a great opportunity. Plus, you have Zayn.” My stomach twists at his last words, knowing that its connotations held a totally different meaning for Niall than it did for Liam.

“Yeah. Whatever. What am I going to do in this big apartment all by myself?” Liam is asking.

“Walk around naked,” he jokes, and I let out a snort, causing both of them to look up.

“Zayn!” Liam exclaims, and pads over to me, enveloping me in a tight hug. “Can you believe it? He’s actually leaving us!” he muffles into my shoulder. A pang slices through my heart and glare at Niall. He doesn’t look as excited as someone with a “great opportunity” would look. My mind flashes back to the conversation we had:

“You’re still going?!” I had asked him when he’d informed me of his flight time.

“I don’t want to get in the way of anything, Zayn. And as long as I’m around, you won’t let yourself properly fall in love with him” he had said.

“And what if I don’t, Niall? What if it never happens?”

“Give it time.”

“Stay. Please.” I had begged.

“It hurts too much, Zayn” he had told me.          

And now, with Liam holding me, I could see the hurt clearly on his face. I can’t look at him.

\--

“So, you’re actually going.” Louis says. He’s trying to hide it, but his eyes are glistening and his voice is tight.

“Well, we’re kind of at the terminal.” Niall laughs, nervously. It kills me. “Anyway, I should probably get going soon.”

“Don’t fall in love with an American girl. I hear they’re too polite.” Harry jokes, slapping Niall’s back.

“Don’t know about an American girl, but I hear the American surfer boys are quite delicious. What with their tan and everything.” Niall tells them.

Harry’s mouth falls open and Liam coughs.

“Oh. I didn’t know…Since when?” Louis asks.

“Since this one guy,” he says. I quickly look at my feet, but I can feel Niall’s eyes boring into me. “I really should get going.”

Everyone sighs, and Liam’s grip on my arm tightens. I stroke his back, doing what all dutiful boyfriend should do.

Niall starts by hugging Louis. Then Harry. Then Liam. Liam hangs on a little longer and I can hear Niall whispering into his ear.

My throat tightens, and I try to blink away the tears. But instead of going away, they fall. And don’t stop falling.

Liam lets go of Niall and he catches me trying to wipe the tears away. His blue eyes are rimmed red, telling me that he’s not much better off either.

“Zayn,” he says, and I see the tears roll down his face.

I feel awful.

He pulls me into a tight hug, and I can feel him shuddering against me. We sob against each other, chests heaving and tears soaking each other’s shirts. I don’t want to let go. Not again.

“I love you.” I croak. I feel him go still.

“I love you, too.” His voice is shaky. Forcing ourselves apart, I try to look away from his tear streaked face. But I can’t. I won’t see it again for _so_ long.

I look into his eyes and he looks into mine. “Your eyes are the colour of roasted hazelnuts, did you know?” he tells me, and I scoff, shaking my head.

“And your eyes—” I start to say but he cuts me off.

“The colour of the sky, I remember.”

My heart just hurts.

I hear someone take a sharp breath beside me, and I turn to see Liam looking at us with wide, manic eyes. His face is red and he’s not blinking.

“Liam?” I call him. I’ve never seen him like his before. Niall notices too.

“Liam, are you okay?” he asks.

I watch him let out a long sigh, his face returning to its original and colour and his fists unclenching. But his eyes are still wide.

“You love each other,” he says softly, glaring at me and Niall.

 _Shit._ “Of course we do, Liam. We’ve been best friends for a while.” Niall coughs, trying to salvage it.

“No. _No._ ” Liam states, shaking his head slowly. “You’re _in love_ with each other.”

“Liam, don’t be daft!” I start to argue, but my voice comes out too high.

“Oh my god. You know. You both _know._ ” His voice is uneven.

Niall and I both look at each other, not sure what to say.

“Why? Why are you letting him leave, Zayn?” Liam squeaks, looking directly at me. The tips of my ears are burning. I look over at Niall, my eyes pleading for help.

“Because you love him, Liam. And I was just getting in the way.” Niall admits, his head hanging low.

“ _You_ are getting in the way?” Liam spits, and I flinch at his tone. Niall looks anywhere but at Liam. “Zayn has been in love with you for _seven fucking years_ and you think _you_ are getting in the way?”

My head shoots up, and I finally looking at Liam. His arms are crossed over his chest and he’s leaning onto his left foot, as if waiting for something.

“Liam—” I start to say, but he signals me to stop talking.

“Niall?” he says.

“I just thought that, with Danielle and everything-- I just didn’t want you to get hurt again” he desperately tries to explain.

“Niall, look at me,” he says, sternly. And Niall does. Hesitantly, but he still does.

A small spreads across Liam’s face. “You know what the real problem is, here?” Niall shakes his head no. “My friends are too damn great.”

I stare at Liam, trying to figure out what’s happening. Looking over at the other three, they all have a similar expression on their face.

Liam walks over to me and grabs me by the hand. I stumble behind him as he pulls me along to where Niall is standing.

He stands us in front of each other, then smacks us both behind our head.

“Ow,” we shout in protest.

“Shut up. Ugh, I have the biggest _idiots_ for friends” he shakes his head in disbelief. Then looking over at me first, then Niall, he grins. “You two belong together, fucking wankers. Now kiss, already!”

And we do. 

\--

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THERE'S AN EPILOGUE. Comments and Kudos HIGHLY appreciated!! 
> 
> \--B


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has honestly been so much fun! It's my first completed chapter fic and I still can't believe I actually finished. Thank you for everyone who has stuck with me through Chapter 1. I would have never thought this would get the response that it did. I'm just a nerdy girl who spends too much time reading One Direction fiction, to be honest. 
> 
> THANK YOU. I LOVE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU SO MUCH! 
> 
> -B <3

_**EPILOUGE:** _

We’re at Joey’s. Harry and Louis are squished together into one side of the booth, Louis practically on Harry’s lap. Niall and I are squished together on the other side, my arm is around shoulder and his head is resting on mine.

In exactly one week, it’ll be our one year anniversary.

A tray of drinks are slammed down onto our table and I see a grinning Liam towering over them.

“Who’s ready to get drunk?” he slurs. I'm pretty sure he's alreadt halfway there. 

“Where are the shots?” Louis whines, pointing to the tray full of only beers.

“Leona’s bringing. Stop your whining.” Liam swats at Louis shoulder and Louis swats back.

Sure enough, a gorgeous brunette with skin the colour of caramel is walking over to the table, balancing a tray filled with shot glasses.

‘Hey, guys! Ready for some shorts?” she asks, her sultry voice almost too low to be heard over the ruckus of the crowded bar. I see Liam glace over to her with hooded eyes, face sporting a lazy smile. He puts his arm around her waist and she sinks into him effortlessly, like it's where she belongs. My heart flutters looking at the pair.

Pulling apart, Leona down next to Louis and Liam takes a seat next to me. I glance over at him and he’s looking at Leona with the fondest look in his eyes. He's in love. I know for sure because there was a time when he looked at me like that. I sigh at that distant memory, now such an alien thought that I can't quite really believe it actually even existed. He was now my friend. My best friend. 

I playfully nudge his shoulder and he tears his eyes off his girlfriend long enough to give me some attention. “You okay?” I ask, winking.

“Better than okay.”  

\--

 

Follow my [Tumblr](http://fckziallfck.tumblr.com/)! <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you see what I did? Did ya? ;)
> 
> I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S DONE! :(
> 
> You guys don't understand how much I love comments. I reply to pretty much all of them because if someone cares enough to even type out a few words, that means more to me than you will ever know. 
> 
> Thank you, again, SO much for reading.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. I will try and update regularly. Kudos/comments HIGHLY appreciated!! 
> 
> LOL (lots of love)  
> \--B <3


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